Episode 105--"I Don't Want to Go": Billy Says Goodbye to Seoul

“Yeah, okay…Well, this is gonna hurt like a mother f***er!”--Michael Scott

In this emotional final episode from Seoul, Billy talks about making the difficult decision to leave Korea (despite every fiber of his being not wanting to go), why he wants you to stop asking people who make difficult life decisions, “Why?” and what to say instead, and what this journey has really been all about (here’s a hint…it involves you!). 

Oh, and you’ll want to stick around until the end because he’s got some other news he needs to share with you as well…

If you liked this episode, check out these episodes as well:

• Episode 19--Compassionate Communication for Deeper, More Meaningful Relationships with Dr. Yvette Erasmus
• Episode 3–The Only Way Out Is Through: Billy Battles His Demons with Mindfulness
• Episode 38--The Gentlemen's Guide to Inner Work: Billy's One-on-One Conversation with Spiritual Health Coach Lecia Fox
• Episode 39--Billy Shares the Lessons He Learned during His Trip to Portugal, Spain, and Dakar
• Episode 94--How to Be Your Own Chief Brand Officer Jennifer Walton

All of our episodes are available at www.mindfulmidlifecrisis.com

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Transcript

Billy: Coming up on The Mindful Midlife Crisis

But after much thought in counseling with the people in my core, I have made the incredibly difficult decision to return back to Minnesota. And you don't need to know the reason why. But if you're wondering how are you feeling about that decision, Billy, I'm reminded of the 1957 Ingmar Bergman film, The Seventh Seal.

We actually watch this and that humanities search for Meaning Course. And if you're not familiar with that movie, it's where death plays chess against a knight named Block during the Crusades of the 12th century. But in the seventh, seal Block is trying to delay death by challenging him to a chess match. And when they first meet, Block asks death if he's come for him.

And death asks, Are you ready? And Block replies, My body is ready, but I am not. And quite honestly, that's how I feel. Mentally and physically, I'm exhausted from this two year odyssey. But despite knowing the time has come to close this chapter of my life, I'm just not ready. And don't get me started on. Well, that's a privileged position to be, because I know that.

All right, I get that. But that doesn't change the fact that I don't want to leave.

Welcome to The Mindful Midlife Crisis, a podcast for people navigating the complexities and possibilities of life's second half. I'm your host, Billy Lahr, an educator, personal trainer, meditation teacher and overthinker who talks to experts who specialize in social and emotional learning. Mindfulness, physical and emotional wellness, cultural awareness, finances, communication, relationships, dating and parenting all in an effort to help us better reflect, learn and grow so we can live a more purpose-filled life.

Take a deep breath, embrace the present and journey with me through The Mindful Midlife Crisis. Welcome to The Mindful Midlife Crisis. I'm your host, Billy Lahr. Thank you for tuning in wherever you are. The purpose of the show is to help others navigate the complexities and possibilities of life's second half. 

One way I do that is by providing a platform that gives people the space and permission to share their expertise and life experiences so you can use that information to enhance your life with whatever you find relatable and practical. I also share how cultivating my own daily mindfulness practice over the last ten years has helped me navigate the trials and tribulations and successes of my own midlife crisis. 

And I'm teaching you how to navigate life more mindfully through my virtual mindfulness sessions. My mindfulness practice has helped me process my ruminating thoughts, anxiety and stress in a much healthier and productive way by reducing my emotional reactivity and impulsive behavior, which in turn has helped me improve my relationships and communication with others.  And listen, as someone who's in the thick of a major midlife pivot right now. 

I also use these skills and resources to help me reflect, learn, and grow, because trust me, there are still days I am a hot mess. So just know that you are not alone in your experience. So if you're looking for a community to help you better navigate whatever you've got going on these days so you can take inspired and intentional action to jumpstart your life.

Join our mindful midlife community at www.mindfulmidlifecrisis.com. I also just released my first course called, Mindfulness for Anxiety. For those of you out there who struggle with having an overactive mind and anxious thoughts, something I definitely know a thing or two about because the whole reason I started practicing mindfulness in the first place is because I had allowed my anxiety to spiral out of control.

So I put together this course to teach you many of the same skills I've used over the years to help me manage those anxious thoughts and feelings in a much healthier way. In this course, we define what anxiety is and what it looks like for each of us who identify the difference between fear, rumination and anxiety, which is what we're going to do in today's episode; we identify the sources of our anxiety as well as what triggers our anxiety. And we tap into the somatic experience of what anxiety feels like in the body, which is what has helped me manage my anxiety the most. In fact, I've covered a lot of these topics in the last few episodes, so go and check those out. If you or someone you know has been struggling with anxious thoughts, feelings and emotions, visit www.mindfulmidlifecrisis.com and click the courses tab to get started.

If you're a member of the mindful midlife community, you get 20% off this course as well as all future courses. I'm also offering 1 to 1 coaching sessions at a screaming good deal for anyone who purchases this course, because I want to make sure that you're getting the most out of the skills and strategies I'm sharing with you.

Speaking of having anxious thoughts, feelings and emotions, by the time this episode comes out, I will be back in Minnesota because I'm flying from Seoul to Minneapolis on the 4th of July, and I didn't choose that day for any specific reason. It's not symbolic of my journey at all, even though that's something I would totally planned out. I just don't want to be in Seoul during the summers because it's monsoon season and it's really hot.

It's really humid. It's a miserable time of year to be here, and summers in Minnesota are actually quite spectacular, which is, in my opinion, the only reason any of us put up with 6 to 7 months of shitty winter weather. Then again, there are those freaks out there who love the winter, but I am not friends with those people.

So a common question I'm getting these days is Why are you leaving? Why are you going back to Minnesota? And when people ask me this, I immediately feel my blood boil and I can feel myself start to get defensive because that why question feels so judgmental. Nobody asked me why I took a leave from my job or why I decided to travel or why I started teaching mindfulness or any of that.

Instead, people said they were excited for me or that they were proud of me, or that they supported my decision. But now there's this question that feels like judgment. Why are you going back to Minnesota? And I actually wrote about this on my Instagram because this question really bothers me. Here's the thing is, I know I am responsible for my own feelings.

I know I'm responsible for my own emotions. So then rather than letting this question trigger my defense mechanism, I've been working on being more aware of why it bothers me so much so that when people do ask, Why did you come back? Why didn't you stay in Seoul where you were so happy? Rather than getting pissy with them?

I could just simply say it wasn't an easy decision. But there are some things I need to take care of back home and just let it be that. But I think there's a lesson here for everyone to learn when it comes to having conversations with friends who are sharing a difficult decision with you. Obviously, I'm a huge advocate of curiosity.

I'm a curious fellow myself. It's one of the four tenets of my mindfulness practice, along with openness, compassion and awareness. But when we asked that question why? I think we're missing two of the key components here, that being compassion and awareness. Now, the beauty of curiosity is that it's such a fascinating phenomenon, rooted in our own desire for understanding and the need to make sense of the world around us.

We are inherently curious, and we naturally seek explanations to comprehend the motives behind people's action. The thing is, though, that it's important to recognize that difficult decisions are often complex and multifaceted. So asking a simple question why really oversimplifies the situation and may not provide the insight we are seeking, nor that you should even feel entitled to that information.

Asking why places undue pressure on the person making that decision when they are asked to justify themselves. It can lead to feelings of defensiveness or self-doubt and which when it comes to self-doubt, I have processed through that for countless hours to ensure that I'm making the best decision. And my hope is that you appreciate and trust that I haven't made this difficult decision lightly.

That a lot of thought went into making this extremely difficult and emotional decision. I mean, I over thought whether or not I should do an Instagram live video or a time lapse video of my morning mobility and meditation routine last week. So do you not think I spent countless hours, time and energy into whether or not I should return to Minnesota, even though I love being surrounded by the friends I've made and energy I feel here in Seoul.

Come on. And of course I have. So just trust that I've put a lot of thought into this and I've made the decision because I think it's what's best or it's what I need right now. Not only that, but asking why tends to focus on the past and on rationalization rather than supporting the person moving forward. A better way to support someone who's just shared with you a difficult decision is by saying to them, That must have been a difficult decision.

How are you feeling about that? And here's the thing. Nine times out of ten, they're probably going to share with you the why, because now they know you're there to support them rather than judge them. They'll most likely share the factors that contributed to making that difficult decision. When they answer that question, how are you feeling about that?

And then you can follow up with. I see. Sounds like you've put a lot of thought into making that decision. How can I support you moving forward? A lot of this all goes back to the conversation we had with Dr. Yvette Erasmus around compassionate communication for deeper, more meaningful relationships. That's actually one of my favorite episodes that we've done at episode 19, if you want to check that out.

I always tell people, if you want to start somewhere, start with that episode. That's like the number one episode I recommend to people because she's so brilliant and fascinating and it was great to have her on the show again right before I started this two-year Odyssey way back in September of 2021, which is really weird to say, to talk about finding meaning and purpose through self journey.

So the question that I've been asking myself, you know, during this entire time is what have I learned about my meaning and purpose in life through this journey? The thing is like my meaning and purpose in this life has always been since a very young age to be a guide for others. I started doing that in the most basic way possible by working in public education for 21 years.

And because of that, I always had a built in audience. Now, not all of them signed up for the Bill de La Show. And in fact, some of them heckled. Some of them even revolted. But we were stuck with each other because I always taught the required courses. Students needed in order to graduate. And those courses had state standards that I had to teach, and they were responsible for learning those state standards, even though some of them couldn't give two shits about those state standards.

And quite honestly, sometimes I had to give two shits about those state standards either, but it was part of my job. So I did my best to execute teaching those standards with fidelity. But there was one elective I did teach way back in the day and that class was called Humanities Search for Meaning. And the students who signed up for that course knew I was the teacher and they signed up because they wanted to explore this search for meaning with me as their guide.

And I challenged them and they challenged me. And I keep in touch with some of those students to this day. In fact, one of them is a member of the Mindful Midlife Community and practices mindfulness with us every single week. That's really weird to think that one of my students is part of a mindful midlife community. Well, we welcome people of all ages to the mindful midlife community, so you don't have to be middle age.

You can be a teenager, you can be in your twenties, you can be in your seventies if you want to join the mindful midlife community. But anyway, when I talk to those former students, a lot of them share how meaningful that class was and how much they enjoyed the books that we read and the discussions that we had.

We read the things they Carried by Tim O'Brien. We read Siddartha, we read the play The Skin of Our Teeth by Thornton Wilder. And then we would wrap things up with The Stranger by Albert King Moon. And many of them tell me I still have my personal manifesto project from that class, which was this monster of a project where they had to write their personal mission statement.

They had to outline their five year plan. They had to identify their strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats. Then they had to jot down the big questions that they want to explore during their search for meaning. And then they needed to take all of that and make it in some not necessarily a scrapbook. This one student, he was really into music and if you ever bought CDs, you know, like the liner notes, right.

So he actually wrote them like they were liner notes. But he was it was kind of like when you think people and the productions of who helped you make the recording, that was one of the things they had to do is they had to write about who were the influences, right? So shout out to da da da da da.

And he did it like that. And some people did make scrapbooks of some people worked it into like some sort of sporting montage and it was just really, really cool what they all came up with for that project. A lot of them would tell me, you know, that they still have those, and some of them even pulled them out during their graduation party.

That was such an honor that they would do something like that because clearly they had put a lot of thought into it and it was meaningful to them. And when they think about their five year plan, I'm always so curious like, how did that five year plan that turned out way back when you were 18? Because a lot of them, for me, that was 15, 20 years ago that I was their teacher.

So that class gave me an opportunity to guide people who chose to search for meaning with me. And it was the reason I looked forward to going to work every single day I had found my audience. But then I left Rochester, Minnesota, and I moved to the Twin Cities, which meant I had to find a new audience. And like for 14 years, I just never found the right fit in the classroom because I was back to teaching required courses.

Except this time the students were coming to me with academic and social, emotional and financial and behavioral challenges that quite honestly, I don't think I was equipped to handle at that time. This was the beginning of my downward spiral that I talked about in episode three. And even though I was able to pull through that difficult time through my mindfulness practice, I still felt like Sisyphus pushing the boulder up the hill, only to have it roll back down again and again and again.

And I longed for the days where I got to have spirited philosophical discussions with my former students about the big questions that keep us searching for meaning and purpose in our lives. And the great thing about this podcast is it's allowed me to do that with the guests. All of this reminds me of a debate Malcolm Gladwell and Adam Grant had, and they are to some of the most riveting people that I listened to on a regular basis.

And they were talking about what job is harder teachers or comedians. Now, I've been a teacher and I have performed stand up comedy a handful of times. And I can tell you without a doubt, being a standup comedian is much, much harder than being a teacher. Because when you're a teacher, your audience is required to be there. But when you're a comedian, your audience only buys a ticket if they like your material or if you're an opening act for someone else, who's you know, fairly popular or someone that they like.

And it's quite possible the people are there for the headliner and they don't jive with your style of comedy. So what do you do? You have to hone your craft and you rework your material and you continue to test it out anywhere and everywhere. When you listen to comedians talk about their early years, they're doing standup comedy in places like College Cafeteria.

This for kids who just want to chat with their friends or study. They're performing at cancer benefits That might be a little heavy with emotion for laughter. Kevin Hart has a great story about doing standup at a strip club and getting it on the side of the face with a buffalo wing because he watched it take his Oh, man.

And is the reason I bring all this up is because through the journey of self-exploration, I am now realizing that my purpose and meaning in life has always been very clear to me. I am here to be a guide, but the purpose and meaning of this journey was to find my crew. When I had Lecia Fox on way back in episode 38 to talk about the gentleman's guide for inner Work.

She said, We have our crowd, our crew and our core, and my core is firmly in place and I am so grateful for my core. But for me, the purpose and meaning of this journey has been to find my crew. The purpose of this meeting has been to find my audience, to find my people. People who have allowed me to live out loud and people who allow me to be my authentic self and people who support and encourage me.

And I have traveled far and wide to meet my people. And I feel so fortunate to have surround myself with people that I consider my crew, especially here in Seoul. And in doing so, I feel incredibly grateful. And I've experienced so much joy with the members of my crew. But sadly, the time has come for me to head back to Minnesota.

I don't know how long this stint in Minnesota will last. My goal is to make my way back to this part of the world, back to my crew sometime after Thanksgiving, hopefully sooner. But there's a lot to figure out right now, which I've talked about endlessly in previous episodes. So I'll spare you from having to hear all that again.

Now at the end of episode 39, when I talk about my travels to Portugal, Spain and Dakar. I rattled off a list of people who significantly impacted my travels, and I thought about doing that in this episode, as well as my two year odyssey comes to an end. When I started making my list, it just got to be too long.

And then I think of someone else, and then I got worried that I might leave somebody off the list and how that might feel. So instead I just want to dedicate this episode to members of Soul Share, soul Walkers and Climbing and Korea meetup groups, as well as all the friends that I've made along the way in Thailand, Singapore, Vietnam and Japan.

If I send this episode to you, it's because I'm so grateful for the time we got to spend together. Regardless of how long or short that time together was. And I'm so happy to welcome you into the Billy Lahr crew. Whether you like it or not, in episode 94, Jennifer Walton talked about the people in her life who are in her five, meaning people in her life who she'll connect with at least five times a year.

And my intention is to keep those of you who have had a significant impact on my life these past two years in my five. But after much thought and counseling with the people in my core, like my sister Debbie and my better help therapist Lacey and my podcast business coach Kevin Palmieri, I have made the incredibly difficult decision to return back to Minnesota, and you don't need to know the reason why.

But if you're wondering how are you feeling about that decision, Billy? Well, I'm reminded of the 1957 Ingmar Bergman film, The Seventh Seal. We actually watch this and that humanity's search for meaning cause. And if you're not familiar with that movie, it's word death plays chess against a knight named Block during the Crusades of the 12th century. Now, you might remember Bill and Ted doing the same thing during their bogus journey.

But in the Seventh Seal, Block is trying to delay death by challenging him to a chess match. And when they first meet, Block asks death if he's come for him. And Death asks, Are you ready in Block replies. My body is ready, but I am not. And quite honestly, that's how I feel. Mentally and physically, I'm exhausted from this two-year odyssey.

But despite knowing the time has come to close this chapter of my life, I'm just not ready. And don't get me started on. Well, that's a privileged position to be, because I know that. All right. I get that I'm in no way, shape or form taking this experience for granted. I'm aware of this privilege and I'm aware of the emotions that exist within me.

So I'll process them with gratitude and compassion and awareness for others. But that doesn't change the fact that I don't want to leave.

It reminds me of that scene at the end of the Avengers Infinity War, where Thanos snaps his fingers and half of life across the universe begins to disintegrate. And there's that moment that just breaks my heart when Peter Parker, who's played by a young and innocent-looking Tom Holland, looks at his mentor, Tony Stark, and says, I don't want to go.

He just hugs them and clutches them and holds on to them for dear life. But there's nothing that can be done. That's just the reality of the situation. And there are things beyond his control and he has to accept his fate. And a sad, desperate, helpless plea that desired a stay of not wanting to leave, but knowing what's done is done.

That's exactly how I feel right now. I don't want to go. I don't want to leave. Sorry. No. But there are some things that are out of my control. So the time has come to close this chapter of my life and start a new one. And what's funny is that when I bought my plane ticket back to Minneapolis a couple of weeks ago, I was at peace with that decision, and I had accepted the reality of the situation, quite honestly.

I was ready to go back to Minnesota. In fact, I was kind of looking forward to going back. I even thought to myself, I feel like my time here in Seoul is complete. But the other night, after I finished leading my last in-person mindfulness session with members of the Soul Share community. One of my regulars. Her name is Kitty from South Africa.

She asked me, When do you leave? And I said, Tuesday. And that answer just felt too real and too soon and too sudden. In over the past two years. I've been asked that question a lot, and I've just gotten used to saying, Oh, I'm leaving at the end of the month, or I'm here for another two weeks. And usually leaving just meant going somewhere else.

But this time, answering that question felt really different, and that feeling made me start to question everything again. Am I making the right decision? Can I make this work for just a few more months? Can I stay here just a little bit longer? And the voice in my head saying those things sounded just as desperate as Peter Parker did, as he clung to Tony Stark, never fully accepting his fate.

But here's the thing. Not every-handed poker is a winner. And like Kenny Rogers said, you got to know when to hold them, know when to hold them, know when to walk away, know when to run it for me, it's not necessarily time to walk away from Seoul for good, but it is time for me to return to Minnesota.

And it doesn't mean my sole story is complete. Does it mean that this odyssey is complete? It's just that this chapter in my life has come to an end and it's time to start writing a new chapter. Now, you might have been thinking to yourself, What about us? What about us, the listeners? Your biggest fans, right? This is my favorite podcast.

Of course it's your favorite podcast.

I tune in every week, right? Of course you would. You're subscribed. Thank you for that. You might be thinking, Why am I not part of your crew? Of course you are. Of course you are a dear listener. As much as I enjoy putting these episodes together for my own personal development and growth, at the end of the day, I started this podcast because, as I said at the beginning of this episode, my meaning a purpose in this life has always been to be a guide for others.

Whether that was being a T-ball or a Little League coach when I was a teenager, or being a teacher or being a dean, or now in this role as podcast host and mindfulness teacher. And the purpose of the show has always been to help people navigate the complexities and possibilities of life's second half. We have a very loyal fan base, and it grows incrementally, week after week with each episode.

And I am grateful that I have expanded the people in my crowd and my crew through this podcast. And you often hear me say, Your network equals your net worth. And the people in my crowd and my crew and my core make me feel like $1,000,000. So with that in mind, I've been giving this podcast a lot of thought, and as much as I love giving others a platform to share their expertise and life experiences as well as sharing my own trials, tribulations and successes, I need to take a break to sort out the next phases of this new chapter.

I'm about to write for myself, so what I'm going to do is this For the next month or two in place of an episode, I will be sharing mindfulness practices that you can use to help you navigate more curiosity, openness, compassion, awareness and gratitude in your life. My goal is to share two meditations a week starting next week, one to fight off the Sunday Scaries and another to get you over the mid-week hump.

If you're new to the show and you haven't subscribed yet, be sure to do that. So those mindfulness exercises are automatically downloaded to your phone so you can start cultivating your own daily mindfulness practice. Also, if you're new to the show and you're like, Oh my God, like, he's bawling. Like, this is what all the episodes are. No, no, they're not.

Actually, some of them are. If you go back and listen to the ones that I did with Brian on the bass, there's a lot of fun, there's a lot of humor. And there is We we do talk about serious things. Those aren't the greatest episodes, but they're fun. No, you don't. Start with episode 90. Sorry. You know, like I said before, start with episode 19.

Go back and listen to like, just start from there. There are also some other great ones. You know what I think about it? If you're looking for episodes and this is your first episode, you're like, I don't think I want No, no, no, give it, give it another shot. Go to the fan faves section at WW dot my whole midlife crisis dot com.

You just go to podcast click fan faves. There's a whole list of them there. Don't run away yet. Don't run away. It's not all tears every episode. It's not this emotionally heavy. In every episode we do enjoy ourselves. We do laugh a lot on the show. This is just a really heavy moment for me and lists of what I'm ready, which I'm hoping will be around either my birthday in August or Labor Day in September.

Actually, Brian on the bass turns 50 this year, so I'm hoping that he and I can do a birthday episode in August because that's kind of a monumental thing. We should check back in with Brian on the bass, especially if you're a long time listener and if you're a first time listener and you're like, Who's this Brian on the bass, dude?

Just go back and listen to all the episodes. But anyway, hopefully by August or September, I'll come back refreshed with new perspectives, new approaches, and new guests that will help you find your purpose and meaning in life. But for now, I'm going to take some time to regroup and take care of some other responsibilities I have back in Minnesota.

I'll still be leading virtual mindfulness sessions on Monday evenings at 8 p.m. Central Standard Time. For those of you who are members of the Mindful Midlife community, if you want to join those virtual mindfulness sessions or if you're interested in 20% off, all the reflect, learn grow programs, including the newly released Mindfulness for anxiety course go to www.mindfulmidlifecrisis.com for all of those details.

Don't forget that you'll receive 50% off your first month of 1 to 1 coaching when you sign up for my mindfulness for anxiety course and you're like, why would I sign up 1 to 1 coaching with you when you're a hot mess? I'm just a hot mess just right now. But the thing is, like, you can hear me processing all of this stuff.

And ultimately, that's what I want to help you do. I just want to help you process through some of these really difficult decisions. So if you do start to miss the sound of my voice and you're in need of some direction from a guy who's been navigating some pretty difficult decisions lately, let's schedule an exploration call. We can talk mindfulness, we can talk travel, we can talk fitness, we can talk scheduling your day and creating a routine.

We can figure out whatever it is you need to help you take inspired and intentional action so you can jumpstart your life. Just click on the link in the show notes to schedule a call with me. If this episode has helped you navigate a difficult decision that you need to make, or if this episode has helped you think about how you can help somebody reflect on a difficult decision that they've made without making them feel judged.

Or if this episode has inspired you to seek out your crew, to seek out your audience, to seek out your people, please do me a favor and subscribe to the show wherever you get your podcasts so you can get those meditations and be alerted when we go back to full episodes. I would also greatly appreciate it if you would share this episode with the people in your life who may find value in what I share today.

Remember, the purpose of the show is to help you navigate the complexities and possibilities of life's second half. And I hope this free and useful information provide some insight that will help you reflect, learn and grow. Before I sign off, I just want to take a minute to give a quick shout-out to my production team at Next Level Podcast Solutions.

You've heard me mention my podcast business coach Kevin Palmieri several times this past month, but the star of this show is my production team manager, Rann, who edits these episodes week after week and does a magnificent job. Her husband is the one who does the YouTube videos, so be sure to subscribe to The Mindful Midlife Crisis YouTube channel as well, because I will continue to post content over there.

Rann is not just a member of my production team, but she is a ray of sunshine and I love getting updates and messages from her and I sincerely hope that someday we can meet face to face so I can give her a big old hug and tell her how much I appreciate the work she puts into making this podcast sound great week after week, because she's a part of my crew now too, and I value her as a friend.

Lastly, I want to thank all of you out there who continue to support this show. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your messages, because that's what keeps me inspired. There's no money in podcasting unless you get to Joe Rogan or Jordan Harbinger numbers, and I'm not quite there yet. Yet, but your love and support has been felt and appreciated, and I am eternally grateful for each and every single one of you, whether you're a first time listener or an OG like my man Zab out in New Hampshire, who has been listening to every episode since day one.

If you've enjoyed the show for a while now, but haven't reached out, give me a follow on Instagram. Shoot me a message there at Mindful underscore midlife underscore crisis. You can also message me on LinkedIn at Billy Lara. That's LHR and let me know what's good with you. So with that this is Billy. Thank you for listening to The Mindful Midlife Crisis.

May you feel happy, healthy and loved. 

Take care friends.