The Mindful Midlife Crisis

Episode 9--Billy & Brian Discuss the Emotionally Mature Male Brain (Part 3 of The Male Brain by Louann Brizendine)

March 31, 2021 Billy & Brian Season 1
The Mindful Midlife Crisis
Episode 9--Billy & Brian Discuss the Emotionally Mature Male Brain (Part 3 of The Male Brain by Louann Brizendine)
Show Notes Transcript

In Part 3 of 3 episodes on The Male Brain by Louann Brizendine, Billy and Brian discuss vasectomies, dirty old men, retirement, the sweetest little dog in the whole wide world, the importance of continually doing the things you love, and the dangers of isolation. 

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Brian: At the end of the procedure, I'm standing there, looking off. There's a napkin, like a surgical napkin over my stuff, with a little hole in it. He does the procedure. Then just as he's about to take off the napkin, he grabs it. He whips it off, and he goes, "Tada, your penis is still there."

(intro)

Welcome to The Mindful Midlife Crisis, a podcast for people navigating the complexities and possibilities of life's second half. Join your hosts, Billy and Brian, a couple of average dudes who will serve as your armchair life coaches, as we share our life experiences — both the good and the bad — in an effort to help us all better understand how we can enjoy and make the most of the life we have left to live in a more meaningful way. Take a deep breath, embrace the present, and journey with us through The Mindful Midlife Crisis.

(interview)

Billy: Welcome to The Mindful Midlife Crisis. I'm your host Billy. And as always, I'm joined by my good friend, Brian on the Bass. Brian, how are you doing over there, man?

Brian: I am marvelous today.

Billy: Marvelous? Like Marvelous Marvin Hagler?

Brian: Like Marvelous 3.

Billy: Like the Marvel Comics?

Brian: I'm kind of like that. I'm kind of a superhero.

Billy: You are a superhero. You're a superhero in my heart.

Brian: Oh, thank you very much. You and the three little boys, that's the only people I think I'm a superhero.

Billy: That's alright. That's four more people than some people have.

Brian: I'll take what I can get.

Billy: You got that. Speaking of little boys, what a terrible transition that was. But we're going to leave that in because that's funny. Speaking of little boys, we've been talking about the male brain. This is part three of our three-part series on The Male Brain, which is a book written by Dr. Louanne Brizendine. The first part, if you didn't listen to that, was all about the daddy brain, the little boy brain, and a teenage brain. So, that's why I was talking about little boys here just a little bit ago, and not because I'm some weirdo.

Brian: Well, we're weirdos, too.

Billy: Right. But not that little boy.

Billy: Not like that little boy weirdo like that.

Brian: Exactly.

Billy: But then, last week, if you didn't listen to last week's episode on the male sex drive with our friend, Sara Betru, just go and listen to it. That was hands down the most fun I've had talking to anybody about any subject of all time. That was a hoot.

Brian: There was a lot of laughs in that episode. It's all out there.

Billy: Yeah, it was good stuff. It was good stuff. Sara definitely does not hold back.

Brian: No, and we thank her for that. We love her for that.

Billy: Yes. Thank you so much for your candid conversation, Sara. You are absolutely the best. So, today we conclude with talking about the emotionally mature male brain. Now, I know there are some of you out there who think, "Well, this would be like a five-minute episode." Actually, this might be a short episode. This actually might be one of our shortest episodes. But it's still important, because when we talk about the emotionally mature male brain, we're talking about when people finally start reaching our age and older.

I thought that we would carry on with the sex talk. Because as testosterone levels change, men may not feel as manly in a variety of ways. Remember, testosterone is kind of what, when we see a surge in testosterone, that's what helps alpha males establish themselves. That surge in testosterone is where facial hair and body hair comes from. It's where those feelings of manliness come from. When those levels start to change when you start hitting around age 40 or 50, right around there, your body starts to change a little bit. So, the old plumbing doesn't work as well. You're feeling a little limp. Maybe you need a little something, something to get things going. You feel tired even though you're fit. Your hair doesn't grow as fast.

And so, when your testosterone dips, your brain and your spinal nerves don't get the same sexual urges. So, that's why when you are in your 40s, 50s, 60s, maybe you don't feel the need to ejaculate one to three times a day like you did when you were in your 20s and maybe your 30s as well. So, that's where Viagra comes into play. Here's a fun little fact, Brian. Did you know that they use Viagra when your dog has pulmonary hypertension?

Brian: What?

Billy: Yeah.

Brian: So, wait a minute. Does this have the same effect on the dog that it does on men?

Billy: My little sweetie pie, who I'm going to talk about at the end of the show here, her name was Patches. She had pulmonary hypertension. Obviously, a female dog. But she didn't get the same thing. She didn't get the same sexual urges or anything like that. She didn't get the stiffy because she didn't have a stiffy. But it kept her alive for much longer than if she hadn't taken Viagra on a regular basis.

Brian: That's interesting. I wonder if it has the same effect on a male dog.

Billy: Actually, that's how they found out that Viagra helps with erections. Because the origins of that pill was meant to help unblock — it's meant to help with your heart and your breathing, I think.

Brian: It increases circulation.

Billy: Correct. It will also increase the circulation down there.

Brian: Neat.

Billy: Yeah. So, a fun little byproduct of all that. Here's another fun little byproduct of Viagra. Viagra actually increases oxytocin levels. If you remember from where we're talking about oxytocin, women have oxytocin. That's the emotional side of things. So, Viagra may make your man a little bit more loving. They will want to cuddle. They will want to hold hands. Then everybody wins in that situation.

Brian: Very interesting.

Billy: It says here that women need to be nice to men. Now, keep in mind this is from Louann Brizendine. So, ladies, don't get upset with us for saying this. It says here that women need to be nice to men, if they want men to be affectionate and loving. I think that we'll come back to love languages, too, which we're going to talk about later on down the road.

Brian: That makes sense. You don't want to be affectionate and loving with someone who's berating you, or— nagging you, or that sort of thing.

Billy: So, ladies, be nice to your man. Men, treat your women right. Brian, you had a child when you were 43.

Brian: I did.

Billy: Just a cautionary note here. Men stay fertile for life.

Brian: Not all of us. I went to a procedure.

Okay. So, I want to talk about that. Think about Mick Jagger and David Letterman. These guys are in their 60s and 70s. They had kids in their 60s and 70s.

Brian: They can also afford full time nannies.

Billy: That's very true. I want to talk to you, if you don't mind, about vasectomies.

Brian: I've got a great vasectomy.

Billy: Okay. You got a great story for every situation.

Brian: Just about. That's why I'm a color guy.

Billy: Yes, I want to hear your vasectomy story. Because even though I don't have children, I'm considering getting one. But I have some reservations. So, I'd like to hear your story first.

Brian: So, the procedure I had was called the easy vasectomy. It's no needle, no scalpel. It's a very interesting procedure. I was terrified of anybody touching my stuff, first off. There are very few people I allow down there. There's got to be a pretty compelling reason for you to be down there. So, I was really nervous about this whole thing. My wife said — after Ben, she said, "You're going." I said okay, I'll do it. "If you want to have sex again, you better go." I said, I do. So, I'm going to go, I muster up the courage.

The procedure itself, we'll start there. The procedure itself, the non-scalpel procedure, all they do is pinch the fold of skin down there between the penis and the scrotum. They just pinched it, and they put a clamp on it. Then he uses a little poker. Basically, just makes the smallest of holes and pulls the vas deferens out. But all of this, you're under local anesthetic. They don't put you under anything. They sewed it out, clipped it and it goes. The whole procedure was five minutes.

Billy: Whoa. You're awake?

Brian: Oh, yeah, the whole time I was looking down. I'm telling the doctor — so, this is funny. My doctor, first off, was incredibly professional. He was a great guy. Prior to my procedure, I'm lying on the table. No pants on, no underwear. I'm bare ass from the waist down. The doctor comes in. He's like, "Hey, how's it going today?" I'm like, "Oh, great, man." We get talking, and we're doing all the little BS formalities. Then he says, "Oh, I was just in Haiti." I'm like, "Wow. Cool, man. What were you doing in Haiti?" He travels as part of the Doctors Without Borders or something like that.

Apparently, there's a parasite down there that causes elephantiasis or gigantic testicles. So, he hauls out his phone. He's showing me what he was doing down in Haiti. I'm like, "Oh my gosh, what?" It was unbelievable. These poor people have giant. I'm talking the size of two basketballs, filled with fluid testicles because of this parasite. Of course, the doctor is doing this all free. They're reimbursed. But whoever. I don't think he makes any money doing it. Of course, it was a mission of mercy. I applaud the doctor.

Billy: Bless that man.

Brian: Really, because that would be awful for those people. He's showing me that right before I have my procedure. So, I'm like, oh, my gosh. A million things go through your head at that point. It wasn't easing my anxiety. But he knew I was nervous.

This is the best part of the story. He does the procedure. I'm just looking off in the corner. He's like, "Okay. You're just going to feel a pinch." That's all it was. All I felt was a little pinch. It wasn't painful. Done. I mean, it was less than five minutes, the whole thing. I would highly recommend the doctor that I went to.

At the end of the procedure, I'm standing there, looking off. There's a napkin, like a surgical napkin over my stuff, with a little hole in it. He does the procedure. Then just as he's about to take off the napkin, he grabs it. He whips it off, and he goes, "Tada, your penis is still there." Because I was all nervous. Of course, I laughed. Then he handed me the jockstrap and the ice, and then I went on my way. The doctor was amazing.

Billy: What's his name?

Brian: Dr. Chao. He was great. He was wonderful. It was really a lot of fun.

Billy: So, how many days did you have for recovery?

Brian: Do you want the gory details?

Billy: Yes, I do.

Brian: Okay. So, you sit on the couch the first day. It really doesn't hurt because nothing swelled up. It's like, okay, something's odd. You can't ejaculate for a week or two, I think it is. You just let it heal up. But then, when you finally do ejaculate, it's all blood. It's all the stuff from the surgery, you're cleaning out. It's pretty nasty. That goes on for a couple of weeks.

Then finally, things start to get back to normal. But I was back at work the next day, without pain pills. I took a little Advil. That was about it. You just keep it clean. Keep it dry. Let it heal up. Because there's not much—

Billy: What do you mean, keep it clean?

Brian: Keep it clean. Just wash with soap. Make sure—

Billy: Just not too much.

Brian: Right. Yeah, you just be careful with it for a week or two. Then by that time, it's healed up. Because there's no incision. It's just a hole. It was the weirdest thing, man. But the procedure itself was super cool. Everything's been great since then.

Billy: So, my understanding is, you still have to use protection for a month or two after the procedure. Because you're still ejaculating out all the sperm that can still get someone pregnant.

Brian: Correct. Yeah, because there's still some in the vas deferens, naturally. That takes a while to purge that out of there, yeah.

Billy: Interesting. Okay. So, I guess here's — I'm 99% sure I don't want kids. But there's the 1%, right? There's the 1%. Here's my question to you. Maybe this doesn't apply to you because you have kids. I don't know. There is that I feel neutered, metaphorically, in that I am less of a man. Keep in mind, I think the reason I feel that way is because I don't have kids, which I'm fine with. But there's that 1% where I'm like, hmm.

Brian: First off, the vasectomy procedure that I got is fully reversible. It's a little more involved than the first procedure, I should say. So, it's more involved than the first procedure but fully reversible. My procedure was about $600. After insurance, I think I paid $400 for it. So, it's not a tremendous amount of money. To get it reversed, I think it's in the $2,000 to $3,000 range. The recovery is a little longer. About a month, he said, if you ever want to get it reversed.

As far as the feelings of being neutered go, I never experienced those. Just because, A, your sex drive doesn't change, your function. Everything works exactly the way it — everything looks the same. There's no difference. No tangible difference in the way you feel about everything. I would say to address the feeling that, "Oh, am I going to feel less of a man like I'm neutered," I don't know. Being that I've had children, after you have three children, and they're the ages that mine are, you don't ever want to have kids again. Oh my god. No way. Another baby? Oh my gosh. So, I don't know. I never experienced those feelings.

Billy: Right. Yeah, and like I said, I think I wonder if part of it is because it's that lingering 1%. Do I want to freeze sperm, or do I just want to have a random one night, and then never call her back?

Brian: Yeah, you could do that. Then discover it many years later.

Billy: Yeah, go to somewhere. We'll go to Spain, and just all of a sudden — yeah, I just wonder about that. I'm thinking about it, because at this stage in the game, like I said, I'm 99% certain that I don't want to have children. There's just that 1%. I'm like, "Well, maybe I'll settle down. But that's going to cut into my paddle boarding time."

Brian: You better do it quick, buddy. Because having a kid when you're 43 is hard. It is hard.

Billy: Yeah, I live in a one-bedroom condo. I'm just feeling pretty comfortable with my life the way it is.

Brian: If you want Dr. Chow's number, I can give you Dr. Chow's number. He was great.

Billy: That's a good reference. I appreciate that. We're switching gears here. Our circuitry for emotional processing is different than women's. I think that's pretty standard, pretty reasonable. Here's an example of that. When men see women cry, our mirror neuron system, our MNS, fires up first. It allows us to empathize with a woman's pain. The thing is, our TPJ — which I believe stands for temporal parietal junction system — that's what activates, and we become more cognitive and analytical. It drives out emotion so we can problem solve.

I, oftentimes, will hear women say, "You're not listening. I don't want you to solve the problem. I just want you to listen." Men are hardwired to solve the problem. That's why, ladies, your man is trying to fix it. That's why your man is saying, "Well, why don't you just do this? Why don't you try this, or why don't you try this?" It's because their TPJ — their temporal parietal junction system — has activated, and it's trying to help you out by solving the issue when you just want to be heard. Men just think about that, too. Think about that, hey, a lot of times women aren't looking for you to solve the problem. They're just looking for you to listen. Because women stay in that MNS much longer than men do.

I'm switching over here. Just talking about machismo and male masculinity here. The septum is what suppresses anger in both men and women. The only problem is that that is smaller in men. So, the auto-catalytic anger that men experience is like a freight train going down a hill. It just cannot be stopped. Because your vasopressin and your testosterone and your other hormones are activated. That locomotive is just rolling down the hill.

Here's the other thing. Sometimes that anger actually creates a high, because it's actually pleasurable. It's connected to competitiveness, which we talked about in the first episode there. Men, teenage boys, especially, they thrive on competition. Winning is actually a euphoric feeling. So, sometimes anger can be a euphoric feeling. Think about pro athletes or you think about any athletes. If they are angry, they're going to feel that level of competition arises. That doesn't necessarily mean it's going to make them better at it. But their competition level is going to rise. It's that rush that they're feeling. So, it's difficult to stop that.

Men with high testosterone have a need. They have a need to dominate others. They may react more dramatically when they're challenged. Unfortunately, nice guys do finish last. Because the guys with the high testosterone and all that auto-catalytic anger, they are raging to the front. That's what they do. So, nice guys like us, we just finish last.

It says here that research has shown that angry men get noticed more by both other men and women. Again, that goes back to that pheromones piece. Because that high testosterone, it almost gives off. Women can pick that up.

Brian: That leads me to the conclusion that if you want to pick up more women, just kick more people's asses. Is that right?

Billy: I believe so, yes. It also answers the question, why are women attracted to assholes?

Brian: Oh, totally. That makes so much sense. It always seems like the sweetest, most kind, beautiful girls are with this total jackass.

Billy: They just are attracted to that testosterone. So, ladies, if you're thinking to yourself, "Why do I always pick the assholes," it sounds like you're attracted to testosterone.

Brian: That makes sense, yeah.

Billy: To go along with that, the male brain requires a pecking order to be in place for emotional stability. So, there is a hierarchy. Men like to know where they are in that hierarchy. Obviously, prefer to be at the top of that hierarchy, which is why we have a tendency to one up one another.

I remember I have a group of friends. My friend, Mack, always says, "You need to ask for permission in order to one up somebody's story." If you were telling a story, and then I say, "Oh, I've got a story," I would have to ask you, "Brian, is it okay if I one up your story?" That's Mack's rule of storytelling.

Brian: Interesting. What a courteous fellow.

Billy: Yeah, he is. He's a great dude. So, you might notice that, where guys will tell a story and then someone will up the ante. It also goes back to that territorial hierarchy of things. Men need that, and they also need a stable relationship. They want a stable marriage. If they have that, if they have a stable marriage, and they have a stable hierarchy — where they know where they fit in the pecking order — it actually can dial down their inclination for aggression and violence, to know where they stand in those two categories.

Now, as they transition towards midlife — where many of us who are listening are — it says here that men understand their worth, so they're less inclined to get caught up in the pecking order. So, the pecking order is very much like maybe 20s and 30s thing. That rings true, I believe. For me, I don't really care about who my superiors are, that kind of thing, or where I fit in the hierarchy of power. But when I was in my 20s, that was absolutely a thing for me.

It says here, as men get older, they make less testosterone and vasopressin. So, estrogen and oxytocin settle in and they become more like the mature female brain.

Brian: Interesting.

Billy: Yeah, I think that's why you see fewer volatile men in their old age, right? Least you would hope so. It says here that oxytocin has a calming effect. It makes them less territorial. It may make them more affectionate. I actually would be curious to hear from any listeners out there, particularly ladies, any lady listeners out there who are in their mid to late 50s to 60s. If you're out there. Is your husband more affectionate now than he was when he was in his 20s and 30s? I'd be very curious to hear a story about that. So, feel free to email us @mindfulmidlifecrisis@gmail.com or you can DM us @mindful_midlife_crisis on Instagram.

Grandfathers out there — my dad's grandfather, your dad's grandfather — they may be more generous and doting on their grandchildren than their own children. That makes sense.

Brian: Oh, yeah. Perfect sense.

Billy: Right. That's why whenever you drop the kids off at the grandparents, you have to deprogram them. Because they've been spoiled by their grandparents for the weekend or however long they're there. This is interesting. It says, grandfathers are the modern flow of resources and wisdom that get passed down from generation to generation. Just knowing my dad, I hope he's not downloading any of his dirty, old man tricks onto my nephew. Oh my god. We just had — my niece just turned 22. So, it's my niece, and three of her girlfriends. So, they're all college-aged girls. Then it's my niece's boyfriend — very nice guy — and his friend and my sister, me, and my dad.

The number of sexual innuendos and dirty jokes that my dad made towards these young ladies—

Brian: It was embarrassing?

Billy: It's embarrassing for me. It's been embarrassing for me for the last 30 years.

Brian: Wow.

Billy: It was just like — I'm going to tell you a quick story. I'm going to give you a perfect example of the kind of guy my dad is. Keep in mind, I love my dad. I love my dad. He's an amazing dad. But, man, there are some things that he does that are just — they're just borderline. Not even borderline. They're just creepy.

So, here we go. Here's a perfect example. Out to dinner one time, and the waitress comes with the bill. My dad puts the cash in the fold. Then he reaches over to try and put it in her slip. She backs away, and she's like, "No, no, no, I got it." He's like, "No, here. Here." She's like, "I've got it." So, she takes it and puts it in her apron. I'm like, "What is your problem?"

Brian: That's a violation of personal space rules right there, man.

Billy: I'm just like, how could you do this? How could you think that that is appropriate? He was like, "What?"

Brian: Yeah, you usually don't violate someone's personal space unless they've asked you to, especially if it's somebody you don't know.

Billy: Right. He just thinks that he knows everybody. He's that charmer that will talk to anybody and everybody that's in the bar. He just thinks, hey, everybody is here for the show.

Brian: Well, maybe his oxytocin levels are high. He's experiencing that sort of thing.

Billy: I like that.

Brian: I'm a scientist.

Billy: Yeah, I'm glad that you've brought that back around, for me to maybe better process why he's such a creep. So, with that, we're going to take a little break. Then when we come back, we're going to talk about why it's important for all of us to make sure that we maintain some sense of sociability and continue doing the things that we love as we age. Thank you for listening to The Mindful Midlife Crisis.

(break)

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And now, let's take a minute to be present with our breath. If you're listening somewhere safe and quiet, close your eyes and slowly inhale for 4, 3, 2, 1. Hold for 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Slowly exhale for 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Let's do that one more time. Inhale for 4, 3, 2, 1. Hold for 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Slowly exhale for 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Go ahead and open your eyes. You feel better? We certainly hope so. And now, back to the show.

(interview)

Billy: Welcome back to The Mindful Midlife Crisis. Brian, question for you.

Brian: Yes, Billy.

Billy: What kind of old man do you want to be? What do you see yourself doing 20 years from now?

Brian: I'm 40 feet tall, and covered in gold and diamonds.

Billy: And your name is Ozymandias?

Brian: No. What kind of old man do I want to be? I want to be the guy who has done a lot of stuff and tells people, or helps other people maybe absorb a little wisdom here and there.

Billy: Excellent. So, what do you see? Where do you see yourself living? What's your retirement vision?

Brian: I think my wife and I are going to be traveling a lot. We haven't decided if we're going to permanently RV it, or if we'll have a condo and just travel around via flying, that sort of stuff. But that's our retirement plan. It's just to travel.

Billy: Do you have any place in mind that you would like—

Brian: Oh, yeah. All of them.

Billy: So, you just want to see it all.

Brian: Everything, yeah. There's a lot of cool places in the world, man.

Billy: There are. That is something that I am looking forward to exploring. Teaser alert.

Brian: Yeah, do it. Promo your trip.

Billy: No, we're not going to do that yet.

Brian: Okay. All right. It's just a real teaser. It's a mystery teaser.

Billy: It's a real teaser. So, let me ask you this. How old do you see yourself retiring? How old do you want to be when you retire?

Brian: 48.

Billy: Oh, that's coming up.

Brian: That's like a few months.

Billy: We're going to have a lot of time here once you retire, just settle into this podcast. I like it.

Brian: There's also a few financial barriers right now that I'm navigating, let's say. But as soon as possible.

Billy: Yeah, I'm very much on the same path, too. I have calculated that if I stay in education, I will be able to retire rather comfortably. If all goes well, obviously, that I'll be able to retire comfortably at 57.

Brian: Nice.

Billy: My goal is, I'm eyeing Portugal. I'm eyeing Portugal, but I also—

Brian: You mean to live?

Billy: To live, yeah.

Brian: Oh, cool.

Billy: I'd like to live in Portugal. I'm also eyeing, in my second half of life, I might start up Billy's Boards, move to Thailand, and rent out paddle boards to people. That sounds fantastic, too, Costa Rica. I could have a place in Costa Rica and a place in Thailand.

Brian: Costa Rica is nice.

Billy: I've heard. Have you been?

Brian: I haven't been, but I've seen a lot of pictures. Because that's where my in-laws run their yoga school most of the time.

Billy: That's the kind of old man I want to be. I don't have a lot of paintings in my place, but there is one. It's like a surreal painting. But you can tell that it's an old person. They're sitting at a bistro table on a patio. They've got a little dog, and they're overlooking the water. The scenery in the background, it looks very Tuscany or very Cinque Terre type style building. That's what I want. The reason why I have that is because when I look at that painting, I'm like, "That's the kind of old man that I want to be." That's what I want to do in my old age. It's right there. Sit on my patio, enjoy my breakfast at my bistro table with my sweetie pie little dog, overlooking the water, with sunshine beating down on me. That's the kind of old man that I want to be.

Brian: It sounds very picturesque.

Billy: Yeah, when I think about those things, then I start thinking about, "Okay. Well, how do I get there?" In order to get there, I still have to continue doing the things that I love. Because my brain has to go with my body. In order for that to happen, we need to still keep doing the things that are fun for us. Our brain's reward centers, actually, short circuit. We become more moody if we stop doing those things. If we don't use certain circuits in our brain, they actually atrophy.

Brian: Yeah, that makes sense.

Billy: So, I grow more and more concerned with my own brain circuits here during COVID times. Because, I'm going to talk about in the next segment, just how isolating it can be. It makes me nervous. Not just for me, but for other people who may be in that same spot.

Our pleasure centers remain more active when we are social. So, that is very important that we continue to socialize. If you think about the stereotypical crotchety, old man. Crotchety, old man. I think of Gran Torino. Most likely, he was on his way to being a crotchety, old man. He didn't just become a crotchety, old man after his wife passed away. He was clearly a crotchety, old man for a long time, right? But I imagine that he withdrew. It was just he and his wife. It's important for, even in your old age, to have those bridge clubs or to have — what's that game where you move the pegs?

Brian: Cribbage.

Billy: Cribbage. Yeah, that one. Did you ever play cribbage?

Brian: Oh, I'm a cribbage master.

Billy: Really?

Brian: Oh, so good.

Billy: My college roommates played cribbage so frequently, that they actually would not go to class. Because they would be so engrossed in their cribbage games, that I'm like, have you guys been playing the whole day? Yeah. Do you guys have class? Yeah, but—

Brian: That sounds like all of college for me, too.

Billy: I'm like, oh my gosh. So, they would sit and they would play cribbage all the time. I've never, to this day, played one round of cribbage.

Brian: I can show you how to do it. It's a lot of fun. We have a family cribbage game.

Billy: That sounds great.

Brian: It's wonderful.

Billy: I don't know if you caught it, but I'm not interested.

Brian: No, I didn't. I didn't catch that.

Billy: Yeah, what I'm saying is I'm not interested in ever learning how to play cribbage.

Brian: So, you don't want a nice game of cribbage while you're sitting there with your little dog, overlooking the sunshine, and all that stuff.

Billy: No. You know what? That's actually a good question. You know what I do like. I like crossword puzzles. I do like crossword puzzles. When I lived in Rochester, one of the guys that I lived with, he and I would fight over the newspaper to see who could get to it first. Then because he didn't want me filling it in, and I didn't want him filling it in. But then, we just ended up — there was kind of a nice bonding moment, because we would try and fill it out together. So, I do like crossword puzzles. I haven't done a crossword puzzle in a long time. My hope is that when I'm an old man, that I get back into that.

Brian: How do you know you're not the greatest cribbage player that's ever lived?

Billy: I guess, that's a fair question. I could be an idiot savant when it comes to cribbage.

Brian: You could be. You could be a pro cribbage player making all the money, getting the cash, getting the women, the cars.

Billy: Here I am wasting my life on this podcast. I got to go. You know what? You may have just sold me on maybe trying out cribbage.

Brian: You, at least, got to try.

Billy: Fair enough. Maybe after one of these recording sessions, some time, we'll bust out a cribbage game. You know what? We should do it some time. We should record a cribbage game sometime, and we can post it on — I don't know. Someday, if we have a Patreon site, something like that, then people can watch you teach me play cribbage. I imagine they would pay thousands of dollars for that.

Brian: Hundreds of thousands.

Billy: So, donate to our not-yet-made Patreon page. That'd be fantastic.

Brian: You got to try everything in life, at least once. Unless it's like methamphetamines or heroin, you don't want to do that. Not even once.

Billy: Yeah, we would advise against that. Because that would definitely have an impact on your brain. You want to preserve that the older that you get. It says here that quality time may be just as powerful as testosterone. Very interesting, that quality time, especially as we get older.

As we get older, our body just doesn't produce as much testosterone. But quality time, which is a love language, maybe just as powerful. So, it is important to love the one you're with. To quote, who sang it?

Brian: Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young.

Billy: Thank you.

Brian: The Isley Brothers did it, too.

Billy: Alright. It says here, our brains are hardwired to feel pain when we are lonely. So, as a result, we mostly try to avoid it. Now, some people will become recluse. I think we're seeing that with COVID. We're seeing people having a hard time re-emerging into the social realm of things. I think we're going to see that going into summer and fall. So, I want to give a public service announcement here and in the next segment about why it is important for us to seek out ways to be social, and seek out ways to find our why and find our passion.

Brian: That makes a lot of sense, that we're programmed to feel pain when we're alone. Because we are social creatures, and we don't survive without other people. Bottom line.

Billy: Correct. If you think back to why men have such a high sex drive, it really comes down to, we're trying to survive. We're trying to continue on our species.

Brian: Oh, yeah.

Billy: It says here that older men live alone more often than older women, and that isolation leads to routines, which leads to fixed mindsets which leads to grumpy, old men.

Brian: Nothing too much, I believe, the old Greek proverb goes.

Billy: Enjoy in moderation. I saw that on a bottle one time.

Brian: Only once?

Billy: Obviously, not once though. It says here that, researchers suggest that loneliness can be as detrimental to our health as smoking. That is surprising. That is crazy to me, that loneliness can be as detrimental to our health as smoking. So, what we want to do is we want to take a quick break. Then when we come back, I just want to give my two cents, particularly the way I'm feeling as a guy who lives by himself, and who is feeling this emotional toll during this COVID isolation. Thank you for listening to The Mindful Midlife Crisis.

(break)

Thanks for listening to The Mindful Midlife Crisis. We will do our best to put out new content every Wednesday to help get you over the midweek hump. If you'd like to contact us, or if you have suggestions about what you'd like us to discuss, feel free to email us at mindfulmidlifecrisis@gmail.com or follow us on Instagram @mindful_midlife_crisis. Check out the show notes for links to the articles and resources we referenced throughout the show. Oh, and don't forget to show yourself some love every now and then, too. And now, back to the show.

Billy: Welcome back to The Mindful Midlife Crisis. So, we're getting ready to wrap up our three-part series on The Male Brain by Louann Brizendine. We really hope that you have enjoyed it, so far. But before we do that, I just wanted to share some thoughts on what we've discussed in the last segment with regards to loneliness and how, according to research cited in the book, it can actually be as detrimental to our health as smoking.

Now, I'm not going to lie. The thought of that terrifies the shit out of me. Because I have been living by myself for over a decade, and I've had a number of failed relationships for a variety of reasons in that time. Those failed relationships have exacerbated that sense of loneliness. Before you think that I'm just like this hermit or that I am completely undatable, I just want everyone to know that I did date someone for five and a half years during that time. But sadly, we decided to go our separate ways in terms of being boyfriend-girlfriend about two years ago.

Now, that person is still very much a part of my life. I consider her one of my best friends. Just to clarify, I don't mean friends with benefits. It's not like that. It's very much a completely and unequivocally platonic relationship. She's one of the best people I know. But for me, the definition of love isn't two people gazing longingly into each other's eyes. It's two people looking towards the future in the same direction. We just weren't doing that anymore. The two of us were on the same page when it came to not ever needing to get married. Marriage, I can take it or leave it. If it happens, great. If it doesn't, that's fine, too. We were on the same page about not ever having kids. But the one thing that we weren't on the same page about was living together. That was something that was important to me. She was like, "No, I'm good. I don't ever need to live with anybody."

Then when we finally had the talk, I asked her. "Is it me you don't want to live with, or do you just not want to live with anyone, period?" She said, "Well, I just don't want to live with anyone, period." I was like, okay, I understand that. But I think that's something I need in a relationship. This is starting to feel more like a companionship. She was like, "Yeah, I can see that." So, we decided that it was time to go our separate ways.

Not only that, but we weren't really speaking each other's love languages. You've heard me talk about that a couple of times. You're probably thinking, oh my gosh, that's a bunch of bullshit. Why do you keep talking about love languages? I'll be honest, there was a time when I felt the exact same way, that I thought it was just who we — like whatever. What is this nonsense?

But one of the reasons why we started this podcast is so that we can discuss some of the things that we've had to do a 180 around. Because we're realizing that some of that stuff is actually really beneficial to our growth, particularly in the second half of our life. So, when I started learning more about love languages, I started to understand what was missing from that relationship. That's why we're going to dedicate an episode to the love languages at some point. Coming up very soon, actually. So, if you actually haven't read that book, it's a quick and easy read. I would strongly recommend it. You can follow along with what we discuss after you've read it. If you don't want to do that, that's fine, too. We'll just summarize what we've read, just like we've been doing here with this book.

But what made this person so awesome is the fact that we could have frank and candid conversations about our relationship. So, when we would talk about what the relationship was missing, she would say, "If that's how you feel, if you're missing those things, then you should be with someone who can give that to you." I was always like, "Well, as long as you're the person I want to be around the most, I'll stick around." When I've told people that, they're like, that sounds brutal that she would say that to you. The thing is, I never took that as an ultimatum. What I heard her saying was, "I don't want you to be unhappy. So, do what you need to do to be happy." I was very, very happy with her. But there were definitely some things missing that weren't filling my love bucket.

So, when we finally had the talk, we decided to go our separate ways. But we've remained really good friends this whole time. That's something I hope never changes, because she's an amazing person. I'm all about surrounding myself with amazing people. I'm one of those people who believe that you can be friends with someone that you once dated. It's difficult, and it takes time. But I think that you can. When I've dated people who are divorced, one of the things that I hoped that they have is an amicable relationship with their ex, especially if they have kids. I think that that's really important that they get along for the sake of their children.

A big part of why we stayed friends is because I used to have a Shih Tzu named Patches. Patches was the sweetest little dog in the whole wide world. I told this person that she would always be a part of Patches' life. Because, as far as I was concerned, that little dog was as much hers as she was mine. It just so happened that when COVID hit, that's when Patches had pulmonary hypertension flared up again. I had to actually take her to the emergency vet for a 72-hour stay. When they sent her home with me, they essentially said, "Listen, it's time to make her feel comfortable. This is going to be her hospice care for as long as you can keep her around."

I thought I was going to be able to keep her around for a couple of months. It went a lot faster than that. But what was kind of the silver lining in all this is that the two of them became my quarantine buddies. She was able to hang out with Patches all the time because she wasn't working during quarantine. As difficult as this pandemic has been in all of us, I'm so very grateful for the fact that we moved to distance learning at my school. Because that meant I got to spend every waking minute of every day with Patches for the three weeks that she made it, until she finally crossed the Rainbow Bridge last April. I'm actually really proud that my allergies didn't act up as I got through all of that.

Brian: Congratulations.

Billy: Thank you. I appreciate that. So, here's the thing, though. Without that little dog around, I can honestly say that I have not experienced joy in my life since she passed away. Here's the thing. That doesn't mean that I'm depressed, and it's not to say that I haven't been happy. I just haven't experienced that same elation I would feel when I would come home and see my little sweetie pie sleeping in her bed. Shit. Now my allergies are acting up. Damn it. I thought I was going to make it. Get it together. Here we go. We're going to do this.

I just miss snuggling up with that little dog on the couch. I miss her goofy mannerisms. I miss her tongue hanging out of her mouth, because she didn't have any teeth. I miss how sweet she was, and I just miss how much joy she brought to my life. Okay. Give me a minute to collect myself.

Brian: Maybe you need a minute with your breath.

Billy: Oh, okay.

Brian: Nice job.

Billy: Thank you. Give me a minute. Alright. Here we go. And we're back. Okay. So, for the last year, I've pretty much been isolated in my condo, which is hard. Because I do enjoy socializing with my friends. I miss seeing live music in local breweries. I miss seeing Brian do his thing on the bass. We all miss the things that we really enjoy doing because of COVID, because of this pandemic.

Even though I go into work every single day, and I'm surrounded by people, there's a difference between being around the people you love and the people you work with. Especially for me, my primary role is to support teenagers who aren't always the most receptive to the support that I'm trying to give them, because they themselves are struggling with this, that, and the other. So, it's easy to not feel appreciated when you're in those situations. I imagine our health care workers feel that way, much of the time, especially during this past year. So, a shout out to all of you who are braving it on the frontlines. Thank you so much. I want you to know that Brian, and I greatly appreciate you. We're eternally grateful for the work that you are doing in the hospitals and the clinics.

I also think there's something to not seeing people smile under their masks. Smiles are contagious. So, seeing someone's smile can really brighten up your day. That's something that I miss, with the fact that we were having to wear masks. It's not an anti-mask rant. It's just an unfortunate byproduct of this pandemic.

Yes, job burnout is starting to creep in again. I talked about it in episode three. Those feelings of isolation are weighing heavily on me again. The winter doldrums are driving me into hibernation again, to the point where I've actually been too damn lazy to get to the gym and take care of myself physically. I've actually reached out to Maurice and said, "Hey, I think—" I have a gym, but I like WURK Gym so much. I'm like, some people have two vacation homes. Why can't I have two gyms? Some people have two homes.

Brian: You can. There's no limit on the amount of gyms. I have three.

Billy: Do you?

Brian: Yeah, I do.

Billy: All right. So, I reached out to him. I'm thinking maybe it's time that I have two. Because I just like having the options, and I like the fact that they have different equipment at their gym than they have at my main gym.

Brian: You know, you're not cheating on your first gym if you go to a second gym.

Billy: That's so funny, you said that. Because that's no lie exactly how I feel.

Brian: I figured, as much.

Billy: That's exactly how I feel. But here's the thing. This is where I'm finding joy — this podcast. This podcast has really helped me find my purpose. It's something I look forward to every week. So, Brian, I just want you to know, there are moments that I feel genuine joy when I'm around you, when we do this podcast together. So, thank you very much. Because you have brought the show to life in a way that I wasn't sure was ever going to happen. So, thank you. The show wouldn't be the same without you.

Brian: Oh, thank you, Billy. I'm also having a good time. What can I say? I am a giant ray of fucking sunshine.

Billy: That is for god damn sure.

Brian: I'm just kidding.

Billy: No, you're not. You shouldn't be kidding.

Brian: I feel the same way, though. I feel the same way. This has really been a lot of fun and a learning experience. What affected me the most was the feedback we're getting from people.

Billy: Yes, that's what I wanted to talk about next. So, to you, dear listener, we want to say thank you. Because over the past few weeks, we have received a handful of messages from you saying thank you for your vulnerability, and thank you for shedding more light on this issue of mental health. I imagine those of you who are regular listeners to this podcast, continue to listen. Because you can relate to what we're talking about here week in and week out. So, to even send a message to us and to say something like, "Hey, man, I've been there, too," is an act of vulnerability and bravery. We thank you for that vulnerability and that bravery.

So, I want to leave you with these two action plans in place. First of all, I hope you all take the time during this pandemic to seek out something that gives you meaning and purpose in your life. I want you to figure out your why in life. If that is too grandiose of an idea, if it is too complex of an idea, then I hope you find the time and space to do something that brings you joy and happiness.

If you can't think of anything, or you don't think you have the time to do it, then have a conversation with a friend, or a partner, or a family member about helping manifest whatever that thing may be into a reality. I've been kicking around this podcast idea for years, and then I finally reached out to Brian because I knew he was the right person to make this happen. There is someone out there that can help you make whatever your grandiose idea is.

Brian: That might even be me.

Billy: Exactly.

Brian: Call me.

Billy: It could be us. We would love it.

Brian: We can do that.

Billy: And the more money that it generates, the more involved we will be.

Brian: Absolutely.

Billy: Until it makes enough money to where I don't have to be involved at all.

Brian: That's right.

Billy: Because I'm going to Portugal.

Brian: I was going to say it. Off to Portugal.

Billy: Secondly, in an effort of mental health solidarity and an effort to feel connected despite the isolation that this pandemic has caused some of us, if anyone is interested in doing a group virtual chat through Zoom or whatever else, feel free to message us @mindfulmidlifecrisis@gmail.com or follow us and DM us @mindful_midlife_crisis. We will do our best to put something together sometime down the road, where we just enjoy the company of others, of strangers, even if it's at a distance virtually.

I know that I haven't been great at this. I think once you dig yourself in and you start hibernating, it can be hard to dig yourself out. It has been but as cold here in the last couple of weeks, like below zero.

Brian: Like Mars cold.

Billy: Yeah, it has not been pleasant. But it's starting to warm up a little bit. It's starting to warm up a little bit. But what I'm realizing is that this podcast is not only making me more and more aware of how important it is to feel connected to others. But it's also important that you, as a listener, realize that you're not alone in the way you're feeling or thinking, that you have people around you who are there for you.

That's why we want to extend that opportunity to do a group chat some time. We have a lot of local listeners. So, when it gets nice out and when it's safe to do it, we would love to get people together to go check out one of Brian's bands or go to a brewery and check out Grunge Unplugged, because they are a badass acoustic band that plays kick-ass 90's rock.

Brian: They are a great band.

Billy: Let's go do things like that so that we can re-emerge back into society. Now, granted you might already have your group of friends that you're doing stuff like that with, but if you're feeling isolated, hit us up, man. We'll be your meetup group? Here's what we do want to say, though. Remember, we're not licensed therapists. So, if that's what you're looking for, please don't contact us. That's not us.

Brian: We will royally screw it up. We have no credentials. We don't know what we're talking about. But we are upright and breathing, so we're kind of fun to interact with.

Billy: And we're huggers. We hug. Back before pandemic, anytime I saw Brian, I gave him a hug. The whole Brute Squad family.

Brian: Oh, yeah, for sure.

Billy: And some of the best huggers of all time. It's because Matt Hazard is a rather Rubenesque man.

Brian: Oh, if you can get past the smell, it's good. Other than that — I wasn't talking about Matt Hazard. I was talking about us.

Billy: Oh, man. Wonderful. Seriously, no, we are not licensed therapists. If that is what you need, we cannot provide that. Hugs? Yes.

Brian: We can provide you resources to get you those additional resources.

Billy: Exactly. We can steer you in the right direction, if that's what you need. Here's the thing. If you're feeling below the line, we hope our tiny podcast is a trampoline to help you get back above the line. If you are interested in learning more about what we mean when we say above the line and below the line, you can tune in next week. Because we're going to have a Top 20 Strategies' co-founder, Tom Cody, who is hilarious. He will be here to share his unique witticisms, insights, and wisdom with us so that we can learn how to be the best versions of ourselves more of the time.

So, with that, for Brian, I'm Billy. Thank you for listening to The Mindful Midlife Crisis. We hope you feel happy, healthy, and loved. Take care friends.

(outro)

Thank you for taking the time to listen to The Mindful Midlife Crisis Podcast. We hope you enjoy this week's episode. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with your family and friends. We will do our best to put out new content every Wednesday to get you over the midweek hump. If you want episodes to be downloaded automatically to your phone each week, all you need to do is hit the checkmark, subscribe, like, or follow button, depending on what podcast format you're using. While you're at it, feel free to leave our show a quick five-star review with a few kind words, so more people like you can easily find our show.

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If you'd like to contact us or if you have suggestions about what you'd like us to discuss on future episodes, feel free to email us at mindfulmidlifecrisis@gmail.com or follow us on Instagram @mindful_midlife_crisis. Be sure to check out the show notes for links to the articles and resources we referenced throughout the show. Thanks again for listening. May you feel happy, healthy, and loved.