The Mindful Midlife Crisis

Episode 3–The Only Way Out Is Through: Billy Overcomes His Demons through Mindfulness

February 17, 2021 Billy & Brian Season 1
The Mindful Midlife Crisis
Episode 3–The Only Way Out Is Through: Billy Overcomes His Demons through Mindfulness
Show Notes Transcript

In today's episode, Billy talks about his struggle with anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation and how mindfulness helped him deal with those feelings in a much healthier way.  Oh, and Brian bought a school bus!!!

Thank you for listening to the Mindful Midlife Crisis!
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We hope you enjoy this week’s episode!  If this episode resonates with you, please share it with your friends and family.  If you’re really feeling gracious, you can make a donation to
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If we have money left over after covering our fees, we will make a donation to the
Livin Foundation, which is a non-profit organization whose mission is to promote a positive outlook on life, reduce the stigma associated with depression/mental illness, and ultimately prevent suicide through various activities, events, & outreach.

This episode uses the following resources:
--
Anderson, Marc & M2 Foundation. Available at: http://m2foundation.org/
--Bernabei, Paul, Cody, Tom. and Cole, Michael, 2004. Top 20 Teens: Discovering The Best-Kept Thinking, Learning, & Communicating Secrets Of Successful Teenagers. St. Paul, MN: Top 20 Training.
--Campbell, Jeff. “Teacher Burnout Statistics 2020 - Definition, Causes & Solutions.” Middle Class Dad, 11 Nov. 2020, newmiddleclassdad.com/teacher-burnout-statistics.
--Mindful Schools. Available at: https://www.mindfulschools.org/
--Rudell Beach, Sarah. Available at: https://www.brilliantmindfulness.com/ & https://www.leftbrainbuddha.com
--Williams, M. and Penman, D., 2011. Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan For Finding Peace In A Frantic World. New York: Rodale.

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Please forgive any spelling/grammatical mistakes while we continue to update/edit

our transcriptions.  Enjoy the show! 


Billy Lahr: Welcome to the Mindful Midlife Crisis. I'm your host Billy. And as always, I'm joined by my good friend Brian on the Bass. Brian, how you doing today? 

Brian Chelminiak: I am Fantastic. Thank you. 

Billy Lahr: Excellent. Brian, we are excited because we finally are starting to piece this whole podcasting together. And I noticed though that my mic levels are a little off from time to time. So at this point, you're having me pretty much make out with the microphone.

Brian Chelminiak: That's called technique. Microphone technique, broadcast professionals need good microphone technique.

Billy Lahr: And I'm going to follow your lead. And since this is your area of expertise, and I am just the pretty face that goes along with this. So thank you for coaching me along the way. I really appreciate that. 

Brian Chelminiak: See I have a face for radio, so I made for radio. So I’m brave where I should be.

Billy Lahr: Brian you have two very big updates for us that we need to talk about. First, I want you to give us an update on science.

Brian Chelminiak: Science. Yeah, there was an interesting article I read this week that said, our universe could possibly look like a black hole, like what a black hole looks like to us. If you were looking at our universe from the outside. It's basically the implications are all black holes could be tiny universes or big ones for that matter. Yeah, it's pretty mind blowing. And it was an article just this week that that was really nice. 

Billy Lahr: How do they prove this? 

Brian Chelminiak: Oh, you don't it's all theoretical. So but eventually it leads to experiment. See what you do in physics because it now at the energies we're talking about right now. It takes things like the Large Hadron Collider, and stuff like that, or the LIGO experiment. They need really, really big detectors because we're working in such small energies. So you develop a theory. You figure out how to test that theory. And then at what energies you need to test it out and then you build the big colliders, and that's how it starts. So much like the Higgs boson. I don't know if you heard about that the discovery of the Higgs. That was a few years ago, but that was only possible because they built the Large Hadron Collider, the LHC. 

Billy Lahr: How many hours do you believe that these scientists then spend playing Dungeons and Dragons?

Brian Chelminiak: Many, many, and I can almost picture the bouquet in the room you know, it just smells like [inaudible 05:04] like unwashed pants

Billy Lahr: Unwashed pants and virginity. 

Brian Chelminiak: Yeah, that’s alright. 

Billy Lahr: My apologies to all scientists out there because one, it is sad in this day and age that science is not valued and appreciated like it should be. I feel like there's so much misinformation out there. And scientists are working hard, really to further society and there are forces that stand in its way. So scientists, whatever you're doing, here's the thing, scientists are probably the biggest studs, and the baddest ass of women that are out there because they are making advances to society that make my life and your life better.

Brian Chelminiak: Only the stupid worship tattoo phasers instead of the science. I mean like, if you are idols have tattoos on their faces, and you don't like scientists you're stupid on so I'm just gonna say you’re dump.

Billy Lahr: Here's the thing, though. And one person I hope isn't listening to our podcast and is Mike Tyson, because have you seen he looks really good.

Brian Chelminiak: Hey, I didn't disparage Mike Tyson. I think Mike Tyson is great. I think having tattoos on your face is fine. But if you admire somebody with tattoos on their face, you might want to reassess your priorities. Although I do admire Mike Tyson, but not as much as a scientist. 

Billy Lahr: Unless that scientist has a tattoo on his or her face. 

Brian Chelminiak: Well, that would be a conundrum what find me one find, find me 

Billy Lahr: If you're a scientist out there. Who has a tattoo on your face? We would like to speak with you.

Brian Chelminiak: Yeah, I mean, I want to know if that person exists, because I have not seen that I don't think 

Billy Lahr: And I would like whoever you are to bring your latest theory that you're working on and discuss it with Brian. And I will not say a word because that's like, I got on my ACT. I got a 26 on the science part. All guesses, it could have been in Chinese because I spelled abracadabra all the way down. I have no idea what it was. I will sit back and I will listen and try and learn and keep up which it will be next to impossible for me but I think it'd be fascinating. So all face tattooed scientists out there. Please contact us at mindfulmidlifecrisis@gmail.com or follow us @mindful_midlife_crisis. If you're not a tattooed scientist, you are welcome to follow us in contact us as well. All hate mail generally goes to Brian. 

Brian Chelminiak: My inbox. Yeah, it's straight in there. It's fine. I enjoy that. 

Billy Lahr: You also have another update and, we you alluded to this in the first episode. And some people were like, what's he talking about? So Brian bought a bus

Brian Chelminiak: A school bus

Billy Lahr: A school bus, you bought a school bus. And I would like you to share the story of how you bought the school bus. And it's actually really come a long way. It looks amazing people. It looks amazing. I know Kathleen is posting stuff. You guys have your own Instagram. So I'll let you kind of talk about that.

Brian Chelminiak: The Instagram is called “we just bought a bus”. 

Billy Lahr: All one word

Brian Chelminiak: All one word. We just bought a bus. So www.instagram.com/wejustboughtabus, how this came about? It was a Sunday evening, about eight o'clock and we had just put the kids to bed my wife and I. And when you have three children, especially three young children, you just don't want to do anything after they go to bed. You're like, I'm finally I'm out. So I'm sitting there surfing on my phone and I get emails from this auction service consistently. And I send out what the heck, I'm just surfing around. I look at the auction service. And there's buses and there was a lot of them. At this particular auction. They were auctioned off like 20 of them. And the price on the bus was 500 bucks. And it was a good bus. It was running. I look at it. I'm like new tires always been maintained in good shape. Alright, well, if everything looks good. 500 bucks, what the heck, I'll throw a little money at it. So I placed a $1500 bid. I didn't tell my wife I was doing this. Because I figured there's no way I'm gonna win this thing. There's no way I'm like 500 bucks. It's gonna go for much, much more than that. I want it for $1200. Actually, that was a good price on the bus because I looked it up in the equivalent, they are typically going for around you know, anywhere between $5,000 and $8,000. The ad just the bus itself, I could turn it around, walked away, that probably would have been the smart thing to do. But if I didn't do that, because I'm not smart. I stole my eye when the auction like there was only a few minutes left on the auction when I placed my bid. It was like 10 minutes or something, right. And I win it, and I now I have to tell my wife that we bought a bus. So rather than she was sitting right next to me, and rather than tell her and try to explain this, I texted her and I said, we just bought a bus.

Billy Lahr: Wait, you're sitting right next to her?

Brian Chelminiak: Yeah 

Billy Lahr: Like, right now like you're on one cushion. She's on the next cushion? 

Brian Chelminiak: She was within like, 20 feet of me though. Yeah, she was right downstairs with me and I said we just got a bus and then she comes over and she's like, what is your text me? Did we really buy a bus? I say yeah, we bought a bus and her face. I'll never forget her face at first. You know, her brows furrowed a little bit. Like what the hell and I'm like, Oh God, I'm in for it. I'm in for it. Because typically you know, my wife is great. But we discuss things like purchasing vehicles. So her brow furrowed for a moment. And then it was almost like the light bulb went off in, her eyes got big and she like, we're going to redo this bus. And I was like, what do you mean, we're going to redo this bus? And she said, we're going to turn it into an RV. It's called a SKOOLIE, and apparently there is an entire community of people that do this, that live on their buses. So there's tons of resources about how to convert these things and what people use and how they do it. There's a step by step on this thing called the internet. I don't know if you've seen it. It's pretty big. 

Billy Lahr: The Internet? 

Brian Chelminiak: The internet, yeah. So we, I look out on this internet and it tells me how to do stuff. And I and she designed the whole thing. And it's actually coming together quite nicely. So just this week, we've been doing this now for three months. And just this week, we got stuff like the sink in and the toilet and the fruit of the refrigerator. 

Billy Lahr: There are legitimate blueprints because I because I thought well, like 

Brian Chelminiak: She did them. 

Billy Lahr: Yeah, like two months ago, when this was just kind of getting going. You had the whole thing cleared out. And like you had the bunk beds, and I remember, you had the bunk beds in the back. But then she showed me the blueprints. And he was like, Oh, this is it was it was really something.

Brian Chelminiak: She did a wonderful job. She designed everything. She laid everything out. She picked out the fixtures what we were going to use and she consulted me a little bit as far as the logistics of stuff because I know how to build stuff and she knows how to make it look nice. You know, if it were me, it would have been you know, a couple of lawn chairs that just like bolted down with conduit straps. That wasn't going to work for her. So I you know, we have shiplap in there in the bus. That should give you an indication. I didn't even know what the hell shiplap was. 

Billy Lahr: I still don't know what shiplap is. 

Brian Chelminiak: It's a type of wall covering. That's very fancy. Yeah, it looks upscale a new [inaudible 13:42] 

Billy Lahr: Okay, so I'm just going to show how ignorant I am. Is it like wallpaper?

Brian Chelminiak: No, it's boards. It's all wood that you place on the wall and these wood. It's got like, once you get it all up it just looks like wood on the walls but with these nice symmetrical slots going horizontally.

Billy Lahr: If there are construction workers or like home interior designers out there and they just heard me say that it was like well, I asked if it was like wallpaper.

Brian Chelminiak: Okay, here's another one that I got, you ready? Do you know what Wainscot is? 

Billy Lahr: Wayne's coat? 

Brian Chelminiak: No, Wainscot. 

Billy Lahr: I feel like I've heard this before. 

Brian Chelminiak: It is a covering of the wall that only goes up four feet Wainscot. So we have Wainscot, and we have a butcher block countertop. We have shiplap all the three things would never would have happened without my wife. So there we are, there's the bus update. We're putting the TV in this weekend. And we've got the mattresses now. So I think the only big thing we have to buy now and install is the mattress in the back.

Billy Lahr: What I really appreciated is that you made four bunks and you only have three children. I accept that 

Brian Chelminiak: You are in. It's your bunk. We'll even put your name. 

Billy Lahr: That would be, that'd be great. 

Brian Chelminiak: And you get a USB fan too, just like them. Because each of the bunks now has a light and a USB fan and the shelf. This is swanky man.


Billy Lahr: It is because I have been following the Instagram progress.

Brian Chelminiak: And that's where behind on that we're behind by like a month. So we've got so much more than that. We could walk out after we record this and I could show you what we've done since then. It's almost done. 

Billy Lahr: When so what's the first trip? 

Brian Chelminiak: We don't know yet but we're thinking spring break probably so March. 

Billy Lahr: Do you have a location in mind? 

Brian Chelminiak: Maybe South Dakota, we're going to go someplace close in case this doesn't something doesn't work. We then we have a lifeline. I don't know whether this is a new adventure man where we don't know if it runs long. I mean, it seems to start and run fine. But you know how these things go, you get out on the road 300 miles and boom, something breaks. It costs a lot of money. So we'll see what happens. We kind of wanted to stick close and just see what happens. 

Billy Lahr: For those of you who are interested in a Mindful Midlife Crisis American tour and we'll also go to Canada. 

Brian Chelminiak: Oh yeah, we can use this bus for the tour. 

Billy Lahr: And if and Mexico

Brian Chelminiak: Mexico will for sure. 

Billy Lahr: All of North America. If you're a fan of the show, and you would like us to broadcast in your hometown, big or small. 

Brian Chelminiak: Actually from outside your house? 

Billy Lahr: Well, we'll do it. Just you bring the friends and maybe grill up the food. You can cook on there, right? 

Brian Chelminiak: Yeah. Oh, yeah. We've got a griddle, a cooktop, and an instapot and one of those air fryers. So we've got all the modern conveniences. No microwave though. 

Billy Lahr: No microwave 

Brian Chelminiak: Well grill cooktop. Probably a Dutch oven, stuff like that camping cooking stuff.

Billy Lahr: So if our fans provide the food, we'll cook it. 

Brian Chelminiak: Oh yeah

Billy Lahr: On the bus, and then we will do an episode from the bus 

Brian Chelminiak: From the bus with you as the special guest. If you win our contest that will have eventually.

Billy Lahr: This boss idea has single handedly revolutionized this podcast. 

Brian Chelminiak: It really has. I mean, it's getting big. 

Billy Lahr: So last week, Brian and I talked about a five year study by the Samaritans, a group of UK researchers who took a look at why men in their middle years and of low socio economic status are so prone to suicide. So this week, I am going to bare my soul to you and I'm going to talk about what caused that anxiety and what caused that depression, what caused those suicidal ideations in my own head, then we'll take a break. And then when we come back from break, we'll talk about how I continue to work to get out of my own head. Alright, so let me explain minor racists in a nutshell. One thing that I've done since a very, like young age you know, usually teen probably around teen age. I even still, to this day have a tendency to romanticize death and suicide, even though I greatly fear death, and I greatly fear suicide. A part of me thinks that's the literature teacher in me, I enjoy a story with a range of emotions and even though I am just terrified of the thought of a world in which I do not exist. I have significant FOMO. And if I think about the past when I didn't exist, or I think about a future in which I do not exist, I have severe anxiety attacks. To the point where I will just like shoot up in my seat and like, start screaming. Like that's, it's such an irrational thought to think that and to react that way, but that's really just how my brain works. I'm somebody who has always preferred a tragic ending. I remember in college, I took a class called a naturalism and realism. And if you've ever read literature from the naturalist and realist era, people die like or either that or something terrible happens to them. And I'm I don't know why. Because I'm like, for the most part, I'm pretty upbeat dude. I guess I'm just drawn to those stories because I like the emotion of them 

Brian Chelminiak: Like when Johnny Tremaine hand got burned

Billy Lahr: Who Johnny Tremaine. 

Brian Chelminiak: Johnny Tremaine is from the book Johnny Tremaine. 

Billy Lahr: Okay, I never read that I never read. No, I never read that one. I did read to friends, which is a story by [inaudible 20:20] and the end of that story is, it's perfect but it's sad. It's like it couldn't have ended more poetically, but it's so sad or for me, the most beautiful piece of literature that exists in the English language is chapter five of Mice and Men. If you didn't, if you haven't read of Mice and Men, did you go to high school? But in chapter five, that is the chapter in which Lennie snaps Curley's wife's neck and George realizes that the dream is over. That's my favorite piece of literature in the English language.


Brian Chelminiak: [Inaudible 21:05] has a way of doing that though. The Pearl is the same way it just rips your heart. 

Billy Lahr: Yeah, and that's, that's what I like. That's what I like in a story. I want my heart to be ripped out. I love Romeo and Juliet, they tell you in the first 14 lines, what's going to happen. 

Brian Chelminiak: Alright then, what did you think the 90s remake with Leonardo DiCaprio and what's her name other?

Billy Lahr: Claire Danes, I'll tell you exactly what I thought of it. It was over the top yes, but the fact that she wakes up and then sees it that I remember the first time was I want all that added such even more tragedy to that already tragic play. I loved that little twist that added quite a bit to that movie to the point where I actually think I prefer that one to the Zeffirelli version. 

Brian Chelminiak: Wow. 

Billy Lahr: Yeah. 

Brian Chelminiak: Close statement 

Billy Lahr: It is, I thought they did a nice job with it. And that made me sack religious to all my fellow English teachers out there.

Brian Chelminiak: But it's your opinion. 

Billy Lahr: Yeah, I like it. You know, just to get the English teachers back on my side. Of course, I love Edgar Allan Poe. Annabel Lee is like the credo [inaudible 22:23] the Raven, and that's a great poem and all that. But Annabel Lee is the one who's that poem speaks to me because it's about love last. Songs like Pearl Jam's black is about love last, songs like immortality by Pearl Jam. I'm drawn towards that because it's Eddie Vetter coming to grips with the suicide of Kurt Cobain, right. And maybe that's the era in which we grew up where you know, our heroes died at a very young age. I'm drawn to tragic irony and twist of fate. The poem incident in a rose garden, I had that one is so fascinating to me, because death comes to visit. And the gardener, excuse me, the master comes to greet death. And he gets mad at death because he thinks that death has scared away his gardener. And he said, well, no. I was just wondering if his master was around. Is that you? It's like, Oh shit, like, death has come for this guy. It's like, there's that twist of fate that I really am just drawn to because for me, I want to feel and release emotions. And I always think about Jimmy Valvano speech about you know, there are three things you should do every day, you should laugh, you should have be moved to tears and you should spend some time in thought. And I'll tell you that almost daily. I do all three of those three things. That's just how I am a softy. So like, you do something nice for somebody, that's gonna bring a tear to my eye. 

Brian Chelminiak: I also do, I just need to look at my bank account. And then I'm like, oh.

Billy Lahr: But wait, but we're using your bank account to get Uncle Henry. 

Brian Chelminiak: Oh yeah, that’s right. 

Billy Lahr: So we gotta, Henry If you're listening, we're saving up our pennies. 

Brian Chelminiak: You know what if I'm out of money because I paid Henry Rollins to be here. I'm okay with. 

Billy Lahr: Worth it, worth it. 

Brian Chelminiak: Totally worth. 

Billy Lahr: You can sleep on my couch. 

Brian Chelminiak: That's right. 

Billy Lahr: Yeah, so until we get back on track. Now the problem with romanticizing death is that it starts to look more and more attractive, the closer you get to it. It's like a moth with a flame. So then you know these songs that you listen to. You start reading too much into those lyrics and you start personalizing them, so that they fit your narrative. So like last week, we talked about Allison chains, right. And again, legendary, my one of my favorite bands of all time, but songs like nutshell and dirt. They read, like suicide notes. And so for me, the closer I got to it, the more attractive that thought became. And it started to become a more frequent thought in my mind. So then, kind of had to think of ask myself. Well, do I have a suicide personality? When we look back on that research from last week, I mentioned that there were some personality traits that really stuck out to me. And one of those personality traits is that I struggle with social perfectionism. Brian and I, before we were recording today, I was telling him how terrible I feel because we've rerecorded episodes. And Brian's like, don't worry about it, dude. You know, this is a this is a trial run, what was the pottery metaphor that you use? 

Brian Chelminiak: Oh yeah, I said, you don't get good at things right away, you can expect for me to hand you a violin, and you to play some Bach or something, you know, I mean, if you're, if I hand you a lump of clay and a pottery wheel, you're not going to make me a Ming the first time out, you know what I mean? You got to, you have to hone these skills, practice them, and that's what we're doing.

Billy Lahr: I was talking to a friend and she had asked me, do you put courage before confidence or do you put confidence before courage? And I'm like, Oh, I always put confidence before courage, because I'm never going to do something. Unless I know that I can do it well. And I'm working through that because really, enjoying life is about taking risks. I'm not going to tell you something, or do something that I myself wouldn't do. I have done that before I've given advice, and then followed up with the Do as I say, not as I do, there are going to be risks that I'm going to try and just have just talking about this in a public space. You know, as you hear it in a podcast. That for me is a risk because I really fear criticism, especially now due to social media. And part of that is because as a dean of students, nobody likes the dean. No one makes a movie about the Dean of Students who changed somebody's life.

Brian Chelminiak: Oh my gosh, I've got a great idea. 

Billy Lahr: What is it? 

Brian Chelminiak: We should make a movie about a Dean who changes somebody's life. 

Billy Lahr: Genius 

Brian Chelminiak: Right? Come on. There's Dead Poets Society and stuff, though. He wasn't a Dean but he was a teacher,

Billy Lahr: Right, he's a teacher. But who is the bad guy in that movie? The Dean. 

Brian Chelminiak: The Dean, you're right. 

Billy Lahr: Who's the bad guy in Annual House? 

Brian Chelminiak: The Dean 

Billy Lahr: The Dean, right. If nobody likes the Dean. As a result of that, you know, and teenagers are pretty savvy with the old social media. So I am public enemy number one out there on social media, if you're if you're trying to look for me on social media, that's not my account. I'm just telling you that now. If you type in my first and last name, that's not my account. 

Brian Chelminiak: Sometimes something tells me you're the cool Dean though. 

Billy Lahr: Here's the thing it's in, it's like this in all of all of my relationships. Either you love me, or you hate me, there's no in between. 

Brian Chelminiak: That's a good thing man. 

Billy Lahr: A lot of students hate me. Because they what they see on like social media, or what they hear from their friends, but they've never interacted with me you know. 

Brian Chelminiak: You got a reputation build. 

Billy Lahr: I do. And you guys can hear how intense I am just on this podcast. Like that's, I bring that intensity to work, I bring that persistence to work. I bring that rigidity to work. And some people need that and they appreciate that. And some people are not keen on my work ethic. So like with Brian, I find myself apologizing a lot because Brian is so easy going. And you know, you're so patient, and you're just so, yeah man with us, and I'm not. That's something that I'm working on. For me. I'm my own worst critic, and my friend Stephanie, who talked about do I ask me do I put courage before confidence? She also in hearing what I was saying because she's trying to be she's trying to be a real life coach, not like us who we're just we're just armchair life coaches. She's actually like going through a program to be a real life coach. What a sucker, doesn't she know she could just start a podcast right? 

Brian Chelminiak: Is the easy way. No payments, nothing man. We're just like, hey. 

Billy Lahr: But she said you know, one thing I noticed about you is that you minimize your account accomplishments and your abilities. And I think for me like part of that's why I do that is just trying to come to grips with my own privilege and stressing out about whether or not anyone wants to hear what I have to say. Because who wants to listen to some middle aged white dude complain about his mental health, when there are people out there who have like, real serious issues out there. And so if you're still listening to me rant about my mental health, I really appreciate that. Just know that privilege is not lost on me that I'm that I'm aware of it, and that I'm absolutely not aware of it. At the same time I'm always reminded of, I don't have any tattoos. But if I got a tattoo, it would be the quote from Walt Whitman. This is my favorite quote. He says, do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes. That to me, encapsulates who I am in a nutshell, because I have so many thoughts, and you'll hear me talk in circles sometimes. And then you'll say, well, five minutes ago, you just said this, and now you're contradicting yourself. That's me, dude. That's what I do because I ruminate. Often, I really struggle with shame and regret and looking back on my past indiscretions, and I beat myself up for it, and I overanalyze everything. And I struggle with paralysis by analysis, I have a tendency to lack positive thoughts about the future I used, especially in the past. I'm much better at this now. And I see hope, where I used to just have feelings of hopelessness and despair, and loneliness and regret and shame. And I would ask myself, Oh my God, am I ever going to not feel this way? When you have all of that, and you combine it with see I have all these traits that make up my anxiety. And what I'm also learning as I'm, as I continue to go through with therapy, actually just I'm back in therapy, because with COVID, I just felt like some of these traits were starting to become exacerbated through COVID and through a little bit of that isolation. And these OCD, like thoughts that would penetrate my mind, those were starting to creep in a little bit more often. So I'm like, yeah, you know what, maybe I should look go back into therapy. So here I am trying to sort this all out. But seven years ago, where before I went to therapy the first time I had all of those qualities, all of those traits that I just mentioned, but then I was also in a profession and I still am that has a very high burnout rate. So I took some of these statistics from an article by a guy named Jeff Campbell. He's got a blog that he calls “middle class dad”. What an asshole who is this guy? He thinks he's gonna steal our idea? Middle Class dad, listen Jeff Campbell get off our lawn.

Brian Chelminiak: I have a stick we could bashes [inaudible 33:35]

Billy Lahr: Actually, you know what he I was reading through his articles. He's actually, he seems like a pretty solid dude. He seems like a maybe another potential guest. Not Henry Rollins level but maybe a potential guest I'll reach out. 

Brian Chelminiak: Okay, I'll I take it back then. We don't have to give them the Tonya Harding. 

Billy Lahr: Our demographic loves these references. 

Brian Chelminiak: Oh yeah, because you remember about a big fiasco that was that whole story was amazing. 

Billy Lahr: Wow, and here's the thing. It's funny as I'm listening to myself, I probably sound like that, why? But 41.3 according to this article, 41.3% of teachers quit within their first five years and there's a multitude of reasons for that, but 41.3% quit. 70% of teachers who work in schools with predominantly schools of color quit. Now, I taught in an alternative Learning Center for eight years. I taught in Rochester. I taught English in Rochester for seven years, and I taught all levels there. But then when I moved up to the Twin Cities, I got a job in an alternative Learning Center. And here's kind of here's what's unfortunate is once you're in an alternative learning program as a teacher, you kind of get stamped as only an ALC teacher. And it's difficult when you apply for other jobs for them to look at your experience as the same as someone who may be taught mainstream. Which is really unfortunate, because I'm going to tell you that in terms of student management, that's what I learned the most like that's really where my classroom management improved, because you didn't have a culture of compliance like you do maybe in a mainstream classroom.

Brian Chelminiak: You, I would think that was the case, I would think that would be looked at as a as a feather in your cap rather than a hindrance but Wow.  

Billy Lahr: It's not the, you're not viewed on the same level 

Brian Chelminiak: That’s surprising.

Billy Lahr: Yeah, even though I work in a school where the overwhelming majority of the students there are white. The classes that I taught in the alternative program, the students in there, were usually students of color, a lot of times I was the minority in the classroom. I can remember one time I was in a class, and a student looked around the room. And she said, there are only black people in here. They identify it, right? And why does that happen? I'm not going to go off on a rant here. But there are socio economic opportunity gaps and systemic racism that creates these disparities. In educational access, we talked about those socio economic disparities that create Mental Health Access last week, right. And so even though I taught in an affluent school, these issues affect learning environment, because I had students coming in with an array of socio economic, emotional, academic, behavioral needs that truthfully, I don't believe I was trained to address. Your couple that feeling with burnouts, and a lack of professional worth. And at the time, I was dating an emotionally abusive and manipulative girlfriend. And to keep in mind, that's my take on it, right. And you know, if she was here, she maybe would say something else. But my two sense is that she was an emotionally abusive and manipulative girlfriend. She was going through her own trauma due to her own emotionally abusive and manipulative ex-husband, who cheated on her. The problem that unfolded in our relationship was that then she always felt like God was going to cheat on her and prove her right, at some point in time, and I never felt good enough for her. She was threatened to leave me every weekend. But I stayed with her because I didn't want to let her down. I didn't want her to feel like see

Brian Chelminiak: You're right.

Billy Lahr: Yeah, yeah, you were just like everybody else. So she would have anxiety attacks. And I was the first time that I'd ever seen what an anxiety attack look like. And it left a residual impact on me. And my feeling of individual self-worth was completely drained. Because you know, I didn't feel respected by my students and I didn't feel respected by her. When that relationship finally ended, that was still there. It was still like deep in my bones. So then I started experiencing my own anxiety attacks. And over time, those just grew stronger and stronger and intensity and they affected my ability to fall asleep. It affected my physical well-being my stomach would twist and turn in knots. It felt like a boa constrictor was wrapping around me. I would breathe anxiously. I never felt like I could take a deep breath ever. And yet you know, somehow I moved on from that trauma, I guess and started dating someone a year later. What was frustrating with that is that she was a single mom, and she didn't want to involve me in her son's life. And so after a year of dating, she said she didn't want to change the dynamic between her and her son. And so once again, I felt like I wasn't good enough. Now I'm eventually moved on again. And three months later, I was dating a perfect 10. she was a perfect 10 in every possible way. But because I was so burned out from work, and still fractured from those two previous relationships. I projected all of my anxieties and my insecurities and my inadequacies and my inferiority onto her to the point where she was just like, fuck it. I'm out, like I don't have to put up with this. After that relationship fizzled out that that's when I hit rock bottom. And that's what I started seeing contemplating suicide on a daily basis. Like I would walk around home or I would walk around school with the image of a gun up against my head. And if I was having like an extremely difficult day, then I would imagine pulling the trigger like that's how bad I was in that last week I said, that's why I don't have guns in my place, because I'd be more inclined to use it on me than I would to protect myself. I even remember sending a text message to my friend, my best friend saying something to the effect of you know, I just don't know how much longer I can go on living like this, which is one of the warning signs that we talked about last week. And he responded very quickly, he said, you need to go see someone immediately if that's the way you're feeling. But I didn't of course, I didn't go like why would I go? I'm a man, I can handle this. I should be able to power through it you know. So instead, I just let my anxiety and my depression grow worse and worse and I grew more and more belligerent towards my students. You know, here's the thing, they needed a pillar of emotional stability. And I simply was not going to be able to provide that for them. And so this created this constant toxic wave of negativity that washed over both of us before we were because we were all projecting our issues onto each other. And it just was festering, like it was in a pool of shit. That was my life for you know, those few years, and they kind of came to ahead finally in February of 2013. I remember I was gonna go to a friend's birthday party that night, and I was looking forward to seeing this group of friends because I hadn't seen them for a while. So I said you know, alright, I'm going to head out at seven o'clock. For some reason, I will always remember at 6:51pm I'll never forget the time 6:51pm, I have a thing anxiety attack. And it was just like all the others words started in the stomach, and it was wrapping its way around my body and causing me to you know, quickened my breathing. And I wasn't able to take a deep breath, and I'm hunching my shoulders, really gripping my fingers. And it was just such an intense attack that you know, it wasn't any different than any other one that I'd had before. But that was just the intensity of it, that I was completely drained, physically and mentally drained. And so I sent a text to my buddy, and I was like, hey you know, I'm not gonna make it. I'm not feeling really that great. And then the next day, I woke up and like, what the hell is wrong with me? Like, it's the weekend, why do I feel this way? Like usually, I don't feel this until Sunday night, when I have to go to sleep and come to the grips that I have to go to work for five days before I have a respite and I can get away from this all. And so that's when I finally decided, alright, enough is enough. You need to go see a therapist. And you know, it must work because I'm still here. 

Brian Chelminiak: And you feel better?

Billy Lahr: I do. I do. I feel better. So when we come back from the break, I'm gonna tell you what that therapy experience was like and how mindfulness not only changed my life, but most likely saved it as well. You're listening to the Mindful Midlife Crisis. 


BREAK: Thank you for listening to the Mindful Midlife Crisis. If you're enjoying what you've heard so far. Please do us a favor and hit the subscribe button. Also giving our show a quick five star review with a few kind words helps us on our quest to reach the top of the podcast charts. Finally, since you can't make a mix tape for your friends and loved ones like you used to do, share this podcast with them instead. We hope our experiences resonate with others and inspire people to live their best lives. Thanks again. And now, let's take a minute to be president with our breath. If you're listening somewhere safe and quiet, close your eyes and slowly inhale 4 3 2 1 hold for 7 6 5 4 3 2 1, slowly exhale for 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1. Let's do that one more time. Inhale for 4 3 2 1, hold for 7 6 5 4 3 2 1, slowly exhale for 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1, go ahead and open your eyes. You feel better? We certainly hope so. And now back to the show.  


Billy Lahr: Welcome back to the Mindful Midlife Crisis. This is me Billy, just telling my story. Brian, you can pipe in every now and then. Alright, you got to you know like I said, you're the color analyst. Really you should be listening to my story and poking fun at me 

Brian Chelminiak: When you're flowing though. I don't want to interrupt your flow man. 

Billy Lahr: Yeah, I'm like rock him. Yeah, yea, you're [inaudible 45:45] and I'm [inaudible 45:45]. 

Brian Chelminiak: That's right. I love those guys. 

Billy Lahr: The best, the best. Alright, as I mentioned before the break, I'm going to talk about now how mindfulness not only changed my life, but most likely saved it as well. So I'm fortunate enough that my best friend is Dr. Michael Collins, and Dr. Michael Collins has his PhD in forensic neuro psychology. 

Brian Chelminiak: Why don't you try something a little harder? 

Billy Lahr: You know, it's funny, I tell people the story all the time, his grade point average all the way from undergrad through grad school was a B, because he once had a teacher tell him, Mike B's make PhDs. And from that point forward he never stressed about getting perfect scores on his tests anymore.

Brian Chelminiak: Really? So he just made it okay to get B's instead of straight A's, which everybody always seems to tout as the gold standard for an awesome student or valedictorian? 

Billy Lahr: Not to speak out of pocket here. But he once told me that he would actually do the math to see just how low of a score he could get on the final exam, to still get a B in the class. 

Brian Chelminiak: That's very practical though. 

Billy Lahr: I feel like much like you, he and I are a good [inaudible 47:06], because where I am high intensity, high stress, high anxiety all the time. He is not. And in fact, I feel like oftentimes he is the source of my anxiety. And he knows how to push all of my buttons. But I love… 

Brian Chelminiak: That’s what good friends should do this. 

Billy Lahr: I love him dearly. I love him dearly. He actually pointed me in the right direction here, because they're where I live there as a psychiatry office, literally next door to my building. And I sent him a list of all the therapists that were there. And I said, listen you know me well, I want you to go through this list of credentials, I want you to find the therapist that you think is going to best provide me with the mental health that I need. So he picked out a licensed social worker named Mindy Ben Dixon, and I clicked with Mindy right away. And [inaudible 48:11] I started working with her in February of 2013. We decided to meet twice a month, and we ended up meeting for six months. And at the end of that six months, I can't even tell you how much better, I am going to tell you how much better I felt. The first thing I told her though was. Listen, no meds, no pills, we're not doing any of that.

Brian Chelminiak: That was a smart move. 

Billy Lahr: And she said, Nope, we're not gonna do any of that. She said, we're going to provide you with a skill set so that when you are feeling anxious, and when you're feeling depressed, that you are able to self-talk your way out of it. And then I'm going to provide you with some skills so that if you do feel that way, you're going to feel them less intensely.

Brian Chelminiak: I say it was a smart move, because I've had some of those meds to anti-anxiety meds right after I, about the same time I went the med route. And it it's awful it is it affects all kinds of things like your sexual desire, your ability to perform and all that stuff. And then they of course prescribe more drugs for you to take care of that. And it's just your, you know, it's awful. And then when you have to get off of them, your brain at least the meds I was on earth remember what it was. But when you start to go off of them, it's like your brain has these flashes, which are your whole body feels like it just goes weak. And then you're right back to, it's really weird. It's terrible though.

Billy Lahr: That's all stuff I wanted to avoid because my body is pretty sensitive like caffeine. It doesn't take much for me to feel caffeine. Alcohol really has an impact on my mood. So I you know, I don't drink during the school year, I go the entire school year without drinking. And then I'll have, maybe two at the most three in the summertime, because it's only nice in Minnesota three months out of the year anyway. So sit on a patio and enjoy myself. And then when the school year rolls around, I just decided to go dry. I didn't want to do meds because I knew that that would have, I just knew that I would react one way or another to it.

Brian Chelminiak: There are a lot of unintended consequences, including making those suicidal feelings more intense even. So I think it was a smart move.

Billy Lahr: And what she was able to do is she was able to help me process through those bingo balls of negative thoughts that were bubbling around in my head up, you know, those old school bingo hoppers, right? That's really what thoughts are. And if you have, they're the same thoughts over and over and over and over again, tumbling around in your head, and she helped me kind of slow those down and see them for what they were. And then I could pick them out and get them out of my head in a safe reasonable way. And so what she did was she gave me the first thing that she not the first thing but she gave me a book called Mindfulness, an eight week plan for finding peace in a frantic world. And that book is by Mark Williams. I actually own two copies of it. So here's what I'm gonna do. If you share our podcast, and tag us, @mindful_midlife_crisis with we know whatever our images are that kind of thing. If you tag us in your stories on Instagram, then we will choose one of you as the winner of a copy of mindfulness.

Brian Chelminiak: I would like to take this opportunity to say you are all winners for listening to our podcast though.

Billy Lahr: But you are in bigger winner 

Brian Chelminiak: Bigger winner it's just degrees of it. 

Billy Lahr: Just a bigger winner because you have that book, you have something tangible. Right now you all have participation trophies for listening to this, but you would get the blue ribbon. I actually find a blue ribbon 

Brian Chelminiak: And put it on there when you sign off.

Billy Lahr: Oh yeah, for sure. Absolutely. So yeah, if you want to, if you want to tag us in your stories, we will choose a bigger winner. I started doing those meditations that were in the book throughout the summer. And believe it or not, I noticed a change in my overall mental health, I had fewer anxiety attacks. And when I did, they were less intense, when I would have them they didn't completely go away. But I was able to manage them and manage my anxiety much better. I decided to up my practice. During the summer I started off just you know a little bit here a little bit there. I would do maybe once or twice a day for five minutes at a time. And I'm like, well, if some is good, then more must be better. So I decided to do it like two or three times a day for about 10 to 15 minutes at a time, especially once school came back in session and in my stress levels would go up just because they you know they do with work. And I just use the meditations that were from the book. And you can actually find those meditations on YouTube. And Mark Williams does the reading of them and he has like the smoothest most relaxing British accent. 

Brian Chelminiak: Oh, we don't have a British accent. 

Billy Lahr: We don't 

Brian Chelminiak: But what we could get one. 

Billy Lahr: So the next school year, one school was next in session. I can't even do a British accent I'm sure. I'm gonna guess that are Minnesota accents. 

Brian Chelminiak: They just prompt the ability to do. 

Billy Lahr: Yeah, the English that they are probably just grading on some. If there's anybody in the East Coast listening to us, and they're just like, why? Why do they? 

Brian Chelminiak: Why they sound so stupid? I was out in Hollywood one time, and I went to a bar, me and a friend of mine. And we walk into the bar and the bartender, this was fascinating. He listens to it. We order our drinks and I couldn't have said eight nine words to him like all of a beer. And he my buddy also, Miller Lite, whatever it was right. And the guy looks at us squint his eyes and goes Midwest. I'm gonna say Minnesota.

Billy Lahr: I had almost an identical experience happened to me in Florida, where we just walked in and the guy said, Hi, how you doing? And we just said, Hey, how you doing? And he said, are you guys from Canada. And I was happen to be in Vegas one time to, I was talking to some friends of mine, and one of the pit bosses or whatever. She walks bar, and she's like Oh, are you guys are you from Minnesota with that accent and I'm like, you heard me say like five things. She's like, I'm from Minnesota. I can pick that out from anywhere and I...

Brian Chelminiak: This guy at the bar in Hollywood, it was a right on Sunset Strip and it was an Irish bar. I don't remember what the name of it was. But we sat there and had our beers then, and we would watch his people would come in. And he did that for everybody. He's like, next person walks in, and he's like, Tennessee, probably around Memphis. And I saw him do it for 15 different people. And everybody was like, Oh my God, you're yeah, you're right. 

Billy Lahr: That's impressive. 

Brian Chelminiak: It was really cool, really cool.

Billy Lahr: Really impressive. 

Brian Chelminiak: That would that is a great bartending trick. Bartenders, if you're listening out there, and you can somehow learn what this gentleman learned. He must have studied dialects or something because he was just astonishing. It was a great act.

Billy Lahr: That's very impressive, very impressive. Well carrying on here. So the next school year rolls around new school year, new me. And even my students, and so in my program, I taught students ninth grade and 10th grade year. So those old me dealing with the same kids for two years. And sadly, they had to deal with me for two years as well. I'm so sorry, to all of you that had to that endured my nastiness that whole time. It wasn't you, it was me. But sometimes it was you. The next year that I had students say, you seem like you're happier. And that's when it just dawned on me like, wow, this whole mindfulness thing is palpable, like they are feeling this new positive energy coming off of me. And I would still have anxiety attacks. Like I said, I would have them during class, I'd be standing up at the board talking about Romeo and Juliet. But I was able to manage them better through self-talk. And then I was able to get them going on an assignment. And I'd sit down and then maybe do take like four deep breaths, or do some box breathing, where you inhale for four, and you hold it for four, and then you exhale for four, and you hold it for four, just breathing techniques in order to regulate that anxiety that would pop up for you know, really no good reason. So then later on in the year, another teacher in my building by the name of Sarah Rudell Beach, she was actually going to be a guest on the show. 

Brian Chelminiak: So you guy’s will get to see how fantastic she is firsthand. 

Billy Lahr: Absolutely. And she really is fantastic. But at first, I was wary of her. She was leading a six week professional development course, on mindfulness. And I was like, Well, wait a minute, who are you? Like, mindfulness is my thing. I had all sorts of questions about her qualifications to lead mindfulness and she just kind of laughed it off. She's like, you know what, that's exactly how I felt when I started going and practicing mindfulness. Like when I would see other people doing it. I was like, well wait you know, hold on it. This is this is my thing. But she was very welcoming and she made mindfulness fun. As weird as that sounds. She made mindfulness fun. She's got a great personality. 

Brian Chelminiak: It's also got nice hair. 

Billy Lahr: She has nice hair too. But we have a string of nice hair. Guests that we hope to have on this show. We have [inaudible 58:48] wrote the male and female brain books. Malcolm Gladwell, absolutely. And you know what, Henry's got great hair too. 

Brian Chelminiak: He does. 

Billy Lahr: He's got he's like he's all great. Remember when Henry you and he had black hair? And then he had the white spot back here? Do you remember that? 

Brian Chelminiak: I do remember that. Oh, yeah. Wow. 

Billy Lahr: Yeah, he had it was just like a grade dot in the back of his head when he first started going gray. It was symmetrical is unbelievable. Yet of one another unbelievable characteristic of Uncle Henry. 

Brian Chelminiak: You know, it reminds me of that song by the crash test dummies from the 90s called hmhmhm.

Billy Lahr: Do you remember the song, Superman's dead? 

Brian Chelminiak: Yeah

Billy Lahr: That was a great song. 

Brian Chelminiak: That was a good song. 

Billy Lahr: Lot of people make fun of crash dummies for hmhmhm song. Go listen to Superman's dad. That is a great.

Brian Chelminiak: It's good song. 

Billy Lahr: It's a great song. I love that song. It's the kind of song that makes you want to stop breathe and think. Just like the app. I downloaded transition. 

Brian Chelminiak: Nailed it shot, bulls eye. 

Billy Lahr: Yeah, so the stop breathing thinking happened. It's actually something that I still use to this day. And I, so I began using their guided meditations every morning for about 5 to 10 minutes. And my recommendation is that if you're just getting in to mindfulness, you're getting into meditation, I encourage you to do the guided meditations because they bring you back to what your intention and what your focus is. So I strongly encourage you to check those out. There are all sorts of I think calm is another app that's out there, I use stop breathing thing. But there, there are all sorts of apps that are out there or you can just YouTube mindfulness meditation, and you'll find 1000s. So Sarah recommended then taking the course, through mindful schools and check out mindfulschools.org. So I took they're just like their essentials class, because I wanted to learn more about mindfulness and so then I completed that. And then I thought, well, you know, what else do they have to offer. So then I moved on to the mindful schools, mindful educator course, which gave me the skills and knowledge to teach mindfulness in the classroom. And for me, this was really important because I felt compelled to pay this gift of mindfulness forward to whomever may need it. And I felt like it would be great to use in my class for students, because my students were coming in right, Keep in mind, if I'm working in an alternative program, I've got students coming in, who are hungry, who might be homeless, who are experiencing trauma in one way or another. They live in constant fight, flight are frightened mode, and they're just in survival at all times. And it's no way to ever relax. And so I wanted to provide them an opportunity to just allow themselves to breathe and just be present, with whatever it was that maybe they were feeling, and to get to teach them how to let that go. So we started doing many lessons on mindfulness in my classrooms, and some students responded really well to it, and others were very resistant to it. I mean, just like any other kind of lesson now that I was hooked on it. And so I'm like, well, let me see how else I can get? The word of mindfulness out to people. So I started leading mindfulness sessions, with my staff in the morning and then I kind of stepped into Sarah's role as a mindfulness class facilitator. Once she branched out to start her own mindfulness business.

Brian Chelminiak: And good for her, she must have been good enough at it to make some money at it. 

Billy Lahr: And so she went to mindful Schools has a certification program for a mindfulness instructors. And yeah, she has her own business and well she gonna let her promote the hell out of that next week, because it's she has online courses available. It's called if you want to go there and now it's called brilliant mindfulness. So www.brilliantmindfulness.com. I think is (dot com) if you just Google brilliant mindfulness, Sarah beach, because I'm not gonna spell Rudell. But you can check that out. She has some great resources there. Because I was like, so deep and involved in this, I'm like, well, I'm going to continue to ramp up my meditation game. And so I started carving out time during the school day to do a 10 to 15 minute meditation after lunch during my prep. So I would just go into my classroom, turn the lights off, and lie on the floor and do a guided meditation. I have found that I was always more productive after I did a meditation than if I said, I don't have enough time. I'm just going to skip it. Even if I found that I didn't have the time. And if I did it, I was more efficient. And I got things done, or I did a better job of it than if I just powered through it when I was tired.

Brian Chelminiak: Just as an aside, brilliantmindfulness.com is Sarah Rudell Beach’s site. 

Billy Lahr: So excellent. Excellent. Yeah, and check it out. She's amazing. And when she's here talking to us, you'll just hopefully you'll bask in her amazingness.

Brian Chelminiak: And possibly get some improved focus and concentration out of the deal. 

Billy Lahr: That would be a plus out of it. See, not only are we here to you know, we were your armchair life coaches, but we also are connected to people who are real life coaches.

Brian Chelminiak: They are really doing it right. 

Billy Lahr: Absolutely. Absolutely. It's not just two schmucks on a microphone. 

Brian Chelminiak: Well, we are we are two schmucks on a mic.  

Billy Lahr: We are your guide out of schmuck hurry.

Brian Chelminiak: Yes, that's right and right into awesomeness.

Billy Lahr: Speaking of which, have you yelled I am awesome yet today?

Brian Chelminiak: I have not, I have not done that. But you guys do that right now. Just say, I am awesome like that. 

Billy Lahr: We're gonna give you five seconds to yell out. I am awesome. 

Brian Chelminiak: Five seconds. 

Billy Lahr: Alright. And hopefully you feel a little bit better. 

Brian Chelminiak: Hopefully you feel you feel more awesome than you did before that. 

Billy Lahr: I would hope so. I'll tell you what made me feel awesome king of transitions. I started seeking out conferences to give mindfulness presentations, because I figured there were probably teachers out there like me, who struggled with anxiety and depression and managing stress in a healthy way. I remember doing a presentation and I asked you know, what do you do to manage your stress? And a woman said, honestly, I have a glass of wine every night. And I said, alright, that's great. But what do you do when you're at work, and you can't have a glass of wine to manage your stress? And she didn't really have a response to that. And I said, Maybe we should get mindfulness that shot, maybe we need to think about that. And it was through mindfulness that I recognize just how badly alcohol exacerbates my anxiety. I mentioned before that I decided to go the entire school year without drinking, and I'm going on my eighth sober school year, and I just feel like I'm more productive. I feel like I'm a better human being when I'm not doing that.

Brian Chelminiak: And let's just be right up front, alcohol is not a way of dealing with anything. It's not.

Billy Lahr: If you're using it as your primary coping mechanism. Let's find a better way. Let's find it and neither of us are saying that alcohol is evil. 

Brian Chelminiak: No, no

Billy Lahr: We [inaudible 01:06:37] you know, well, I do you know that. But I only imbibe in the summer. 

Brian Chelminiak: In limited quantity, alcohol is wonderful. 

Billy Lahr: Yeah, it could, you treat it as a social affair. I feel like there are too many people. This mommy wine culture, wine mommy culture. I have a problem with it. I'm sorry, ladies. I do I have a problem with it. If you're doing it every night, and you're having can have your, I guess if you're having one, who am I to judge? But if you're dipping into that second or third one I don't know, and here's the thing. Send your hate mail to us at mindfulmidlifecrisis@gmail.com and share with us, why you have the second or third glass we be curious to know.

Brian Chelminiak: Here's the thing with alcohol and why it is different from something like mindfulness. With alcohol or drugs. In order to attain the same feeling. You need more every time and the frequency it feeds itself. So that's not a healthy way of dealing with it. It should be a treat, and not a staple. If it's a staple, you're on your way to the wrong thing. You know, it's never going to lead anywhere good.

Billy Lahr: I like that. I like the idea that it's a treat, not a staple. And I think you look at it like chocolate, right?

Brian Chelminiak: If you ate chocolate all day, how would your body feel it would feel crappy, same with alcohol? 

Billy Lahr: I feel like the reason why we're saying the things that we're saying is because we've had unhealthy relationships with alcohol. We've had we've had unhealthy relationships with alcohol for many years. And you know, dating back to our teens into our 20s. For me, well actually, for both of us, we decided to just cut it out of our lives. And I cut it out of my life during the school year, when students are around so that I can be the best version of me for my students. And that's not to say that I don't still struggle with stress, and anxiety or get frustrated with students or just lose my shit on a kid for doing something I've told them a million times not to do, but I'm human. So when I when I do lose my shit, I have to reflect on how that interaction went and do better next time. And I've made my peace with the fact that as the Dean of Students, some students are just going to hate me because I'm the guy who tells them NO. And I'm the guy who often sees them when they're at their worst. 

Brian Chelminiak: It sounds like you're comfortable with that though now.

Billy Lahr: I'm getting there like it Listen, nobody likes to be told the fuck off. You know what I mean? Nobody seeks that out. 

Brian Chelminiak: What some weird people might, but I guess intention. 

Billy Lahr: Right. And but for me, like and I've talked about like that social perfectionism. So somebody yells me, No, fuck you that sort of thing. And, and trust me, I as soon as they say that to me you know, they lash out like that's hard. That's that nobody wants to be told that to me. I give a lot of credit to customer service people because they are dealing with angry people quite often they're off. Usually they're good. They're dealing with people when they are at their worst. And so because I recognize that I recognize that I need to show up as the best version of myself. So in order for me to do that, I just I just have decided that I'm not, I'm not going to booze it up during the school year. Now in order to continue being the best version of myself, I want it I continued seeking out opportunities to learn more about mindfulness. I attended a mindfulness retreat led by Sarah Rudell Beach and Mark Anderson, who is a Buddhist monk. And he has a foundation called the M2 Foundation over in St. Paul. And I will tell you, making a Buddhist monk laugh really is happiness. That is happiness. It was really a pleasure to work with Mark, he is in the top 1% of amazingly kind people on this earth. So it was an honor to be part of that retreat with Mark and Sarah. And then it was another honor to attend a mindfulness conference led by the meditation master himself, [inaudible 01:11:02] who is a former MIT student and UMass college professor, and he created Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction.

Brian Chelminiak: Anytime there's an acronym that screams science I mean.

Billy Lahr: That’s a big deal. And he actually was researching the effects of Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction on people who were like me, right. They started out 40 years ago, 30 years ago, with just like a handful of published research. And now there's 1000s of published research articles that show the benefits of mindfulness and MBR MBSR courses are offered all throughout the world, you can Google Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction courses, and most likely find something local. The UOM, University of Minnesota, they really do a lot with mindfulness based stress reduction. So kudos to you UOM, it'd be cooler, if you had a D at the end of it. Love goes, that's where I went to school, University of Minnesota Duluth, where the hills are steep

Brian Chelminiak: And the beers too.

Billy Lahr: You are right. 

Brian Chelminiak: There is a lot of courses out there, mindful reader and headspace and Udemy. And from within wellness, lots of them.

Billy Lahr: And so one of the tenants of mindfulness is gratitude. And it was important for me to go back to my therapist Mindy, after being away for almost two years, just to say thank you for starting me down this path towards emotional healing through the gift of mindfulness. And whenever I start to dwell on those dark emotions, I'm reminded of a quote by my close personal friend, the one and only Eddie Vetter, who I've seen in concert 49 times with Pearl Jam in nine different countries. And then I've seen Eddie, do two solo acoustic shows too. So I mean, when you hang out with someone 51 times your friends, right? 

Brian Chelminiak: Oh, yeah, automatically.

Billy Lahr: Yeah like, I don't feel like it took us 51 times to hang out to be before we were friends. I just, I feel like we bonded right away. So Eddie if you're out there, thanks for being a friend man.

Brian Chelminiak: Also standing offer by the way, if he ever wants to come on the show. You're on. 

Billy Lahr: He's Welcome to be here. Eddie really puts a lot of thought into what he's trying to say here. If you feel like he is always attempting to compose just the right words. And he found those words that resonated with me, this piece of advice came from Bruce Springsteen, but the way Ed put it was that guy you used to be, he's still in the car, he'll always be in the car. Just don't let him drive. He might be shouting out directions, but whatever you do, don't let him get behind the wheel. And I am proud to say that I've kept this car from heading in the wrong direction for crashing for that matter for the last seven plus years. So with that, we want to thank you again for tuning in and listening to us babble on about our stories. We hope that our stories resonate with you in some way. And we hope that you share our stories with those who may also connect with what we have to say. Thanks for Brian, this is Billy. Thank you for listening to the Mindful Midlife Crisis. May you feel happy and healthy and love. Take care of yourself.